Wise Jive

Gig Report

2007-04-21T11:16:00.001-04:00

I'm going to find some positive way to look at the gig I had yesterday at a nursing home. I was the opener for the two act concert, the one to get the crowd going... I sang lots of songs about love and the various ways of experiencing and living that. I didn't realize until afterwards how heavy was that element in the song choices I had made. But, that is a rich topic and perhaps it made an impression. It was hard to tell. These seniors were listening politely, with few interruptions, save for the staff there dealing loudly with them for undiscerned (by me) reasons. I thought I played well, considering that I had considered dropping my performing act a few weeks back due to lack of interest, my own primarily. Here, at this gig, my interest was the greater, the audiences the lesser, or that is how I perceived it. Playing for audiences who don't do anything in response to the music other than clap at the end of songs kind of unnerves me. Although, I should say that one person called out "pretty" after one song. Another said something complimentary after another. Those were the conscious responses, as I figure them. A couple of people engaged at times in the behavior of people living in their own worlds, with laughter or muttering that seemed to be unrelated to what was going on in the environment. Or, at least, that's how I interpreted them, to keep my composure and performing confidence up. I didn't have the inclination to take those things personally, especially since I feel a bit out of the element because my song material is basically a generation or two after the seniors there. They would have had to have kept up with the times to be familiar with most of my material.

So, the positive way to look at this gig is that I played well and gave my energy to these people who probably don't have to much going on in their lives of interest. I probably brightened their day with my presence and positive intention and harmonious sounds. I am now known by a few more people and through performing, my influence takes on its winding life.

No Force

2007-04-17T06:12:00.000-04:00

I'm amazed at bloggers who for years have basically blogged daily. What prolific outputs! There was a time earlier in this blog when I was doing consistent daily entries, but, in my experience, those type of hyper disciplined things don't last. There ends up being an inner shift and something holds me back. Fortunately, I listen to those kind of promptings and relent and before long I'm back at the game. Better that than forcing myself to continue and ruining the process for a long time or even forever. But is there a way for me to do the daily run for a long time. It would help if I got up early like was doing when I was in the daily habit. Today I'm up early and blogging. it would help if this was part of my purpose in life - people who are living their life purpose generally have boundless energy for what they are doing, or at least they seem to, from what I can see. Of course, people who appear to have boundless energy, I have assumed that they are living their life purpose and that is why they have the energy. I realize this is an assumption and I could be making it up, but something inside me says that when you're living your life purpose you have boundless energy. Of course, saying this from first hand experience would make my knowing surer. I still don't know what my life purpose is, although I have some ideas. The razor like focus on those ideas is what I haven't consciously done. And there is still an element of uncertainty in my conception of what my purpose could be.

This writing is done somewhat often in a free manner. Is it getting better without a conscious dedication to developing my craft. This is all an exercise in spontaneity. Certainly the doing of it over and over must improve the quality of my channel. As I figure it, anyway.

Today is a mellow day at the keyboard. I have some reading to do for a class I go to on Tuesday nights and after I blog I'll do that. But I still have time to write, so I will. I'll bet a lot of bloggers are fulfilling their life purpose by doing their blogs. There's an element of my conceived life purpose in here - to inspire people to live magnificently. It's here in a cursory manner. But it would seem that there is a lot of filler here too. There's a lot of me here, also. I wonder if the focus should be more on "you" - more deliberately seeking to benefit your life? Well, that's not my natural way of expressing, but is there merit in trying to cultivate that here of is what I'm doing the best way to go about it and the benefits will be there naturally without forcing them? As I go through my inner process someone may learn from my ruminations, or not... I don't have to try too hard.

To anyone who is reading this, I wish you well.

What State of Consciouness is Being Manifested?

2007-04-10T06:33:00.000-04:00

I've gotten up right at 5:00 again today. It was easy to do. I must have myself programmed pretty good. In addition to the goal to get up at 5:00 every day for a month, I have instituted a goal to play guitar/voice every day for a month, to establish that habit (of daily practice). See how one thing leads to another? Another sign of momentum in achieving goals is the fact that I placed an order for a digital camera and should have it delivered in a few days. I had that one on hold for a while, with my cart in the store on Apple.com filled with the purchase while I hesitated about whether to g through with it. But I did. I go a Canon PowerShot SD600 for $249. I'm not positive that I really wanted it, but I'll see how it goes owning a camera - I've virtually never used a camera in my life, but it's time to explore that area of life. I've heard that the digital camera simplifies the whole process of taking, organizing and printing pictures, in sync with ones computer and various online photo development services. I have no illusion that this purchase will bring me happiness. That's an inside job and no material item has happiness in it. At best, it can trigger the happiness that is already in me, no more. I'm clear about that.

What I've described above are all doing goals and there's a void where the being goals could be. Who am I being with the waking up early goal and practicing daily goal? Disciplined? What state of consciousness is behind these things that is being manifested in the physical world? That's where I really need to go to work. But it seems elusive. I just have a wave of motivation going - to what end? Or rather, where is it coming from? That is the question.

Efforts are Rewarded

2007-04-09T06:07:00.000-04:00

I have committed to getting up at 5:00 AM every day. I will not hit the "snooze" button. I will just get up immediately. Last night I willfully committed to getting up immediately, and clarified the process of hearing the alarm and immediately getting up and today I was raring to immediately respond to the alarm and I did immediately get up. Now I'm catching the beautiful sunrise in the East. I feel a little sleepy, as I naturally would get up around 10:00. But, as I have done before I will commit to getting up at 5:00 every day for a month to set the habit in my being. I credit this latest surge of motivation to reading an article by Steve Pavlina at this URL.

As anyone knows who has been reading my blog regularly, I often talk about how I've gotten up early to write this. There was a time in my life when I would wake up early and work on my music for 13 hours a day, using a carefully constructed schedule to include all the elements I thought were important to me at the time. Doing that for a few months left me exhausted and I gave it up. Oddly, my life didn't change much outside of the musical life contained in the schedule. I once heard Bill Evans, the great jazz pianist, say that even if you diligently work on your music in a closet, success will come to you. Upon thinking about that, that seems absurd, or maybe I am not remembering the quote accurately. I think its the latter. But, success didn't come knocking on my door in that time. I think that kind of stuff depends on what one has created for oneself in their thoughts. I'm not sure I wanted anything else other than to work on my music alone. True I did put myself out there by occasionally playing in the subways. The response from others was "ho hum" and a bit of change. Things are different now - now I play for audiences who applaud and compliment me after I perform. Things have gotten better. Maybe the result of that intense work was a delayed one. Yes, thats how I'll explain that to myself. My efforts are rewarded.

Spit and Fire

2007-04-08T12:22:00.000-04:00

The decision whether or not to continue performing is over. I have decided to continue. I have some new ideas about how to make my performances more interesting to me... and there it is in a nutshell. Before, there was a lack of interest in what I was doing. Now, I have ways to go beyond what I had been doing and add new life to my performances.

There, that's enough said about that. I won't try to sum up the wisdom of what I'm learning into a nutshell. You can figure it out if you want. Or, better yet, you can look to your own life for what you are learning through your experiences. I'm not responsible for your learning. And you probably know that already, right? I'm responsible for my lessons and you are responsible for your lessons. I'm going to keep it that way and relieve myself of the burden of mistakenly thinking that what I'm going through needs to be processed for you. Hell, we have different lives! Sure, we are part of humanity and in that way are connected. In ways we are one. But can it be said that we each are learning the same lessons at this time. That can not be said.

Does this mean that I am defaulting on the name for this blog, "Wise Jive"? Well, no the name says it all. All the wisdom here is ultimately "jive." Ultimately it will be supplanted be the wisdom at a higher level of consciousness. So, does that mean I shouldn't bother to cull some wisdom from my experiences. For myself, perhaps, that's about it. I don't know who my readers are so I can't write for them. And if I did, it would ultimately be jive. This is really just for myself.

I have given up the sense that my thoughts are of some special quality and are of value to others in some way. Does that seem humble? I don't know. It could be just another way to express some sort of special thought.

I'm tying myself up in knots here, all to deflect potential criticism. Yet from where does the criticism come from? From myself - from the projected parts of myself that aren't included in my sense of identity. So, release that identity and I'm in the clear and free - free and clear. All aspects are included in the identity.

This is all cleverly manipulating ideas that I have read. Maybe there are no original thoughts. Maybe all the thoughts I think are gotten from outside sources. But the ways they are put together is new. New in this moment. Never before recreated in just this way. In that I trust. Although some of these ideas are others', they have been attracted by me and put together in some brand new way. I know, I already said that. I guess I'm repeating it to explore it again to see how I feel about it. For all I know, this whole paragraph might have come from outside myself, but I doubt it. This is in-the-moment creation. I'm on the leading edge of thought and evolution as I sit poised to write the next word. What will it be? "Pause." That was the next word. More use of others' ideas. Sorry this isn't spit and fire stuff straight from the cauldron of Creation, or is it?

To Perform or Not; Unsolicited Help

2007-03-18T07:20:00.000-04:00

I've been in a quandary about whether I will continue to play gigs as a guitarist/singer. It's been dawning on me that I don't get that much out of performing. I get about as much out of it as I do walking down the street, or sitting in my room, or playing guitar for myself in my room. I've been doing it for about 5 1/2 years and I've been there done that. I've been ruminating on this for a while now and last Friday I was on the verge of calling my booking person to tell her that I wouldn't take any more gigs. As this realization settled upon me, I came to see that I might be giving up music totally, which brought about feelings of despair and grief. My internal guidance gave me a vague cue to make the call, but I didn't. That evening I played some guitar and thought my energy was different, I enjoyed the playing and couldn't really believe that it was over. My booking person doesn't answer calls on the weekend so I haven't called her. Now, I'm feeling like I could still play some decent gigs - I don't feel the need to end it. But for a while there things seemed pretty profound as it seemed that I was leaving music making. I heard music with a new clarity and appreciation, knowing that I wasn't a music maker any more, that my mark would no longer be made and their music would stand, untarnished by my presence. Now, is it too late to go back? Now, I could commit to making my contribution to the world with my way of making music. What I've done - has it made a contribution already? What I've done has been done to the best of my ability but it hasn't been what I'm really capable of, I think. Still, there's the nagging sense that I really don't have anything to contribute and I'm fooling myself to think I do. This is where I am in my inner world. It's not a very encouraging place. I could affirm that what I do has value and that I have been making a contribution, but is that necessary... and valid. I could ask people what, if any contribution I have made as a musician. I'll bet that someone who is reading this would say, he's not very excited about what he is doing in music, he must not be very good - I wouldn't want to hear him. (How's that for negative thinking, imagining negative feedback?) He needs to get excited about what he's doing for me to want to listen to him.

As I write this, I am thinking about my voice teacher whose sage advice I have started to feel like I don't want, because it is not from me, it's not my natural instinctive way of music making. I wonder if she feels that what she is doing is not making a contribution. It's perfectly good advice, except for the fact that it's imposed on my from without, which makes it bad advice. She is not making it the point to draw my musical knowing out from me and so, I must assert it and my right to make my own music, not hers. This feels a little peculiar and awkward, but it's the way it's going to be. I'm going to play my way. I'm sure this doesn't do much for the self-esteem of a music teacher who doesn't understand that my music is about me, not her. Maybe her advice is not so sagacious if she doesn't appreciate this. A truly good teacher knows that teaching is about drawing out, not putting in, in my view. I have taken to refraining from giving gratuitous advice to people who haven't asked for it. I'm not going to be officious and people are where they are and their souls and God are guiding them, I don't need to. I may think I have some special knowledge and that they lack it, but they have their own knowing and don't need whatever I, in my self importance, think they need. So, does this mean that one can only give help when asked and otherwise it's better to not intrusively meddle. That's how it seems to me. How many people on this earth could use this? Well, it would seem to me that a lot of people are giving unsolicited advice, but it wouldn't be my place to set them straight, unless they experienced that they were having problems and they wanted help. If I believe in this wisdom, it's for me to use it and live it and be an example of it, but not to preach it.

What bothers me is that some people are so entrenched in giving unsolicited advice, their whole identity is built around the truth that they have something that the others lack. Don't they see that with every bit of this kind of advice that they are hindering the other in their road to self trust and the realization that they have all they need within themselves and they might as well use it rather than depending on someone else. The wise ones imply ignore the external advice, or at most, take the time to consider it and decide for themselves whether it is useful.

Clearly there is some charge in this for me and I have to figure out why that is. Do I wish I was the one giving the unsolicited advice and making myself that "important." It must be a disowned self, or a shadow self that I actually live out unconsciously. What am I doing here, in this blog? For much of it I have been casually inserting ideas in these posts with the intent to to give people who presumably lack it, my "special" wisdom. Obviously a part of me is invested in giving unsolicited help. I hope I actually take my help myself.

So, to tie all this together: am I, as a performer, attempting to give unsolicited help to people who already know and feeling that I'm making no contribution, really? Am I coming on as someone with some "special" music that the audience lacks. That would get nowhere. Ultimately I have to perform for them the "music" they they have but perhaps can't express on their own. Still, this is dependency creating. Ultimately, for their own fulfillment, they have to express it. Maybe they have expressed it and simply enjoy seeing what they value reflected back to them, or maybe in such a case they wouldn't be interested in hearing me; on the other hand, seeing oneself as one knows oneself in another could be satisfying.

Contrasting Fields

2007-02-19T06:23:00.000-05:00

It's a cold, blustery day here in Arlington and I've gotten up early like I used to when I was doing my blog regularly and I had the urge to get started again. Not much has changed. I'm still writing about myself with a vengeance (er, well, we've just gotten started, I can't tell for sure, we'll see). That might be a turn off to some people, but I know that some of my favorite writers have written in the first person, like Henry Miller. Actually, I haven't read Henry Miller for at least ten years, but I was into him for a long time, reading his books and even his biographies. I loved when he wrote about his writer's life - his big desk, his oriental robe and the quotes of wisdom taped to his walls and the sense of peace, joy and relaxation he felt in his writer's studio in Brooklyn, with his feet up on his desk, contemplating life.

So, here I am, with that inspirational image in my head. What shall I do with it? That image is not so different from my life, in it's essence. I don't have big desk to put my feet up on, but I have the sense of joy, peace and relaxation at times when I sit in my big chair and contemplate things. And, I have been writing daily, if not on this blog, then in my computer journal. I've felt like taking things more inwardly and less publicly of late. The thought of blogging has been too formidable to consider. The endless writing in anonymity, it can get a little creepy, going so apparently unnoticed after putting myself out there so completely, or as completely as I do. There's always the possibility for more. But my intent is to be completely open and transparent when I write. I see no reason to hide anything, except for references that no one will know. Considering that, this writing seems pretty tame, I think. There are few juicy details about my life, which seems to make sense - my life goes along pretty much without to many unusual or exciting elements, or at least that's how it seems without considering it too closely, on my part. That's a belief about my life, which has built up over years of seeming smooth runningness. If something did happen to shake things up, it might go unnoticed by me due to my beliefs.

Well, something did happen to me a few weeks back. A guy yelled at me on the street for not reading something that he presented me with after asking me intrusive questions about my ethnicity. He was a stranger, but he was getting pretty personal and something in me didn't want to go along with what he was doing regarding the piece of paper he had put in my hand. This caused a complete turnaround in his friendliness and he became enraged and laid into me with ethnic epithets. At that point, I simply walked away, I was not going to continue to be around that kind of energy. Fortunately, he didn't follow. It did take a bit of work to throw off his negative energy, but soon, I achieved a sense of resolution with him in my mind. I don't see this as a random thing. I view it as something attracted into my life based on the thoughts and feelings I had been holding. That morning I had been writing a fairly charged entry in my journal describing desires I had been choosing not to act on and I also had been in a situation in a class related to my ethnicity that stimulated some strong feelings in me that I believe led up to this. The scene was ripe for someone to come into my life and mirror my conflicts. I realize that I could go into this deeper here, but I want to keep things on an even keel and, at the risk of being tepid, I'll let it go at that.

So, that pretty much sums it up. I choose to keep things on the surface, rather than going deeper, thus my relatively uneventful punctuated by a rare event of strong emotion reflected back to me. I realize that I have not fulfilled my ideals of openness in a way, but, on the other hand I have shown myself in relation to the situation I encountered, while leaving out details of the other's behavior, which I don't want to recreate by writing them here. I'm not really concerned about others' behavior, I just care about who I am and who I am becoming. That keeps things simple and focused the essentials. Others are contrasting fields in relation to which I can experience ultimate reality. Or, rather, the illusions someone created of judgment and hate are the contrasting fields through which I can experience nonjudgment and love.

Losing Power?

2006-12-10T10:33:00.000-05:00

Here goes the ego trip again. What am I seeking by doing this blog? To be observed by others? I'm made self conscious by something I've read about the unnecessary need to be observed by others and to focus on oneself. Well, that's the basis of blogs, I'm afraid. Or that's how I see them. There could be other things involved, like the desire to share information. But is this a way to lose my power by advertising what I know? I don't know. Maybe this isn't the place to write freely, as one would for oneself as self-therapy. There's a sense of openness and freedom when compared to private journaling. Well, if I'm making a mistake I'll find out about it sooner or later.

Life Purposes

2006-12-09T10:16:00.000-05:00

Today, I started writing privately, but I had to get on the blog and do it here. There's more energy here. Thank God I'm not noodling around on my computer journal.

For a month, I have been bothered by an upper lung irritation, possibly due to dust in my environment. I am a guitarist/singer and I have had to perform during this time and I have a gig coming up in a week. I'm not happy about it because thee is a tendency to cough at inopportune moments. However, I am tired of this symptom and I have started vigorously affirming, "I am strong and well." This gets the energy going and I fully embody complete health today. So, I am strong and well. I am strong and well. I am strong and well.

I am on a roll in this phase of life allowing the universe to come through me in as many ways as possible. I realize that I might be in a hyper stage in this process and it might be coming through here.

Enough vamping, what do I have to say? I'm saying what's going through my mind at this time. I find myself not fully loving what I'm doing musically. It's a soft sensitive sound and I'm not sure there's enough energy in it. Do I sound enervated and weak (thus the "strong" part of the affirmation)? I have some doubts around this. Generally, people listen quietly and at least a few people say they've enjoyed the performance or some such thing afterwards. I think I am making something out of nothing. Maybe, I don't have to make a high energy performance. It's not who I am at this time. It doesn't mean I can't change my material to include more high energy music, but I am a finger picker, so that might be a stretch. My sense is that I am running over this situation and there is actually no problem. I have a fear that what I'm doing is too gentle and soft. The environment hasn't told me anything like this, that there is a problem with what I'm doing. Maybe, if I add one song to my repertoire that is clearly high energy, that will make a difference in how I feel about my set. To be honest there are some higher energy songs in it already. I think this issue is all within my head, but I'm not sure.

Well, I'm still here after that processed dilemma. What will I write about now? It's easy to write, you just look up in your mind and write what is there. So what is there? Thoughts about writing. That's interesting, looking into your mind to find thoughts about writing. That's similar to people whose life purpose is to assist others in defining and living their life purpose. The word "their" is kind of vague in that context. Do the people they are helping live a self chosen purpose or do they live out the unlived life purposes of the facilitator? The whole dynamic is ironic. So, where do I fit into this? I have thought about living a life where I inspire people to clarify their life purpose, but I've felt unsatisfied by that because it leaves me out of the equation. Can my purpose entail that? Well, that was conceived of several years ago and I haven't gotten busy fulfilling that purpose. Actually there were other parts to that purpose as defined back then. I defined my purpose as to inspire people to live magnificently so that they can experience clarity of purpose and great fulfillment of their potential. Unfortunately I didn't take any specific actions to implement that purpose and I feel that it has lain dormant in my life. But that may not be the case. I may be living it without doing anything deliberate to set it into motion. I'm open to that possibility. If anyone feels particularly inspired by reading this blog , let me know, please.

Unique, Like Others

2006-12-08T11:22:00.000-05:00

I have to say, after all this time off of the blog, I feel a little trepidation about getting back into it. I have been writing daily, but privately. I'm not sure I want the constraints (entirely self-imposed) involved in writing for the reader here. I feel like I have to make sure that this is all comprehendible by someone who doesn't live inside my mind. I also feel like I have to brace myself for any comment from anyone in the world who reads this. Of course, I am entirely flattering myself and exaggerating my improtance as very few people have left any sign that they have read this. Mostly it's been blog spam. So, really I am writing privately by doing this. It's the same thing. But, the conception of it is a little different, but it doens't have to be. I'll just get into a groove and write freely like I'm doing now. It's just like writing privately with my "morning pages" a la The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I write for the groove I get in.

I've noticed that some people get loyal followings to their blogs and that must be nice, but I've not experienced that. I must not want that, or I would have gotten it by now. There are ways to get more readers, but I haven't taken those steps. I think I like having an anonymous blog. To be honest, I don't really want to be bothered. I like the solitary space of writing that I have carved out for myself. So, why am I writing this blog entry, right now. The reason is, it seemed that I was in fear of doing this and I decided that I couldn't live in fear - I had to push the limit of my comfort zone and risk growth. So, I'm here, and I'm willing to take what comes as a result of putting myself out this way. After all, I'm a fully grown man and I can respond to the results of my actions, which probably will be nothing. But, I will have pushed through my fear and grown as a person. There, I said it. Hey, this is a little more exciting than writing in the complete safety of privacy.

Now, I must confront myself. Do I really have anything to say? Is this prattle? It seems to flow easily. I am what I have become of 44 years of living, which has largely been done in solitude, self-chosen. I don't really care if there is much substance here. I'm doing it for the process of it. Of course, if I'm writing for others, I want to be providing somthing of value to them. I don't want to waste people's time of energy spent on reading this, but again, I flatter myself by believeing that anyone is reading this and is devoting any time or energy to this. After all there are millions of blogs out there, many better conceived than this one. But, of course, none is written by me, a unique being in the whole history, present and future of the world. There must be someone who is aligned with this writing and is attracting it into their life. The thing is, all other blogs are written by people unique in the whole history, present and future of the world, so in this I am like all others. It's not really a selling point. But, still, it's a comforting thought to think. So, I will continue to think it. The frequency I'm emitting is my own, a personal signature, so I need not compare myself to anyone else in this and I need not compare myself to anyone else's life experience who happens to be superficially doing the same thing as me. We all are attracting our reality by the thoughts and feelings we have and that's a beautiful thing.

I'm enamored of the thought of each person's uniqueness. As I've said before, there's no need to compare ourselves with anyone else. No one else can be ourself any better than we can once we realize this. Then we are home free. Free to explore the aspects of ourselves that make us who we are with a feeling of peace and freedom.

This is certainly an engaging scenario to be in, here in this life.

Of the New

2006-10-28T07:02:00.000-04:00

I have love. When hurt, leave it alone. I have not. Love is the answer. When.

There, my attempt to channel.

In the dying lies the living. The living lies dying. The living lies. Lies dying.

I have no fixed identity in this blog. I'm free to wander all over the place. What is new? The spirit. The spirit is of the new.

The "Past" Me, A Portion of the Now

2006-10-21T06:58:00.000-04:00

I can see the sunrise starting, although I can't see the sun yet, just the first wave of orange on the horizon. I woke up early, naturally, today, which is a relief from being the glutton for sleep that I usually am. But, here I am, peacefully writing. What is there to say? After my break of several months, I have acquired a different style of writing, I think. I have lost the tendency to try to come up with something edifying and revealing about my inner process, with the dubious intention to impart something to the reader. I realize now that my ideas were pretty particular and probably not of much use to anyone but myself, but it made me feel better knowing that I wasn't just writing for myself but for others. I may not be able to offer much of any substance to others as my personal experience may not resonate with too many people. Someone who lives primarily in his inner world may be isolating himself for the common ground of experience which people share, although I do think that the inner world is common to all people and there must be things there that can unite people nonetheless.

But, of course, I find these words to be off the mark - can any words be on the mark? These are endless spoutings, which don't amount to much at all, vain attempts at communication of what can't be communicated. I find myself in an abstract realm that still seems to be without substance. Is there truth in these words, or can they only point to the truth? Of course, they can only point. These words are an intermediary to something, or maybe to a vacant mind with nothing of any consequence to impart. I don't know. There is clarity of thought, in a superficial way, but what else? How does one know anything? Does one know anything? In questioning that I find myself at a loss for words. Well, I suppose one knows what is one's direct experience - that's the stock answer. I'm experiencing myself having ideas and writing them down, in the environment of my room, listening to the music of Aeoliah. Who is the entity that is writing this? Is there anyone at all? Or are there just writing and thoughts and a body in motion? There is something that is aligned with these thoughts, which allows them to see the light of day. That something may be not in existence as these ideas come forth, or maybe it is dormant. Well, the ideas fall where they may.

Interestingly, people have been writing for millennia. There's nothing new there. And these questions may have been around for millenia. I'm not doing anything new here, or so I think. I can't say for sure. I can't be sure of what went on in the past, all I can know is what's present in this moment of Now. Now, with it's peace and beauty and presence of the poised expectancy of writing the next line. Of course, there are doubts, too. Am I really much of a writer? Compared to what I remember of the past, I feel less sure of myself, more tentative, but what is this past I am remembering but something living in the present moment of Now. I project a more confident version of myself into the past and make myself "not that." Interesting how the mind plays tricks on one. I can just as well deliberately include that in this moment of Now and Who I Am in the present to make things easier and less complicated. I feel different from the memory, but the present moment is where things are evolving, where the leading edge is.

I have no need to compare myself with "the past," the split off portion of the Now that I imagine is apart from me. No, it is me, or some portion of what is.

Coming Off of The Artist's Way

2006-10-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

I've been away for a while, due to the fact that I've been in a creativity group based on the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. In the process that that book outlines, one writes, longhand, for three pages, every morning. That process has supplanted my blogging for several months, as my blogging was also done first thing in the morning as my writing zeal was spent after doing the morning pages. I wouldn't do both in one day.

So, has my writing changed from this intensive engagement in stream of consciousness writing done longhand? Well, getting back to the blog puts me in blogging mode, which is slightly different from "morning pages" mode. I feel like I'm doing something different from that when I do this, although there are similarities. Much of the writing felt similar when I got into the flow. After all, this writing is pretty personal, too. So, not much difference.

So, one might wonder whether I developed my creativity form engaging The Artist's Way, I mean the point of it is to help one through a creative block. Well, I was doing pretty well, I think, with this blog before I started it. This was my creative outlet, and it took me away from it, the anger about which filled my early morning pages. Sure, I did some drawing, which I hadn't done in a couple of decades and that was good, to rekindle that old flame. I did some photography, which, similarly, is a form of creativity I once did a bit. I don't think I had a creative block, although, I have been wanting to write more songs of late and still haven't done that. I don't know if that is blocked, or just a product of procrastination. The few times I sat down recently to write songs, I did. So, why did I do the group when I was OK creatively? Well, I thought it might rev things up and get me really exploding in a creative way and to a degree it did. The planning of five year goals was exciting when it happened, although I haven't acted on my first steps to achieving them. But the act of planning was stimulating. Imagine how wonderful acting on my plan would have been! (Sorry to bore anyone who actually acts on their plans successfully and sorry about presenting an unsuccessful image to those who might take the bull by the horns and implement action plans for their life to create the life of their dreams. My dreams are very limp.) Planning was such fun, I think I'll so more of it, regardless of whether I actually act on the plans.

Here it is, a crystal clear morning, and I'm back at my blog. All right!

The Ambiguities of Therapy

2006-07-11T09:15:00.000-04:00

I wrote yesterday and I'll write today. Yesterday's session came out easily, possible due to the two week break between sessions. Things were fresh. Today things seem less charged and I'm thinking about calling this one to a halt. What is there to say today? Hmm... I don't like to admit it but I feel fresh out. There's nothing coming today, except about how there's nothing coming today. What does that say? I certainly am open and receptive to whatever ideas come my way. I'm in the mood to write. Let's see, I had my first session with my new therapist last week and to be honest I don't feel to good about it - all sorts of internal stresses since then. So, give him the axe or try again? I want to nip this thing in the bud, if it's a bad situation for me. Could this be a good situation for him, in knowing me? Is that how therapy works? The client benefits the therapist more than the therapist benefits the client? In some situations, perhaps. Ideally, it's a mutually beneficial situation. I've believed for a while that most people who give professional help need help themselves. It's easy for the person coming to them for help to miss this given the assumptions of the patient/therapist dynamic.

In the past few years I have valued therapy for the opportunity to relieve many of my psychological stresses and also as a place to actualize my ideas in a safe environment. Some therapy environments are safer than others, I've found. In a group I was in it definitely wasn't safe to actualize one's own ideas. It seemed to be a forum for the hegemonic display of the therapist's ideas. In five years, I actualized very few ideas. But individual therapy has been better. I wonder if some of the therapists I've had in recent years have been equipped to deal with everything I had to say. My assumption was that therapy was a place to say whatever I wanted and I did, never being rude or disrespectful in intent. I wonder how my freedom was received, though. One therapist mysteriously ceased to have contact with me and I don't know why.

Portions of God's Magnificence

2006-07-10T09:22:00.000-04:00

I've taken a break from blogging because I have joined a creativity group that uses The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. This entails waking up and immediately writing three pages, longhand, of whatever occurs to you. As I have been doing this blog in the morning before starting the group, the two writing tasks conflicted and I have been doing the "morning pages" a la Cameron for the past two weeks. But recently I have been discontented with the pushing out of my blogging and today I will do my blog instead. Each is usually a substantial amount of writing, for me, and I don't think I can do both. But perhaps I can. I have done the "morning pages" before and I grew discontented with it because it seemed as though I was putting out a huge amount of energy which seemed to go nowhere. I wanted to be read. So over time it evolved into a blog, which I find enjoyable.

Is anybody interested in this topic?

I also find typing at the computer a more satisfying way to write than longhand, because the output is so crystal clear on the page. My handwriting is pretty loose and takes energy to read, not that the purpose of the "morning pages" is to be read, but the act of writing is not as crystal clear and clarity is important to me.

Actually, the act of writing, for me, has come to have an undercurrent of boredom running through it. I'm sure this can't be hidden from the reader. If I'm bored the reader is probably as well. Still I like the act of writing. Perhaps I'm bored with myself. Sometimes I feel that I won't do anything significant with my life and the things I have been doing don't really amount to much, don't make much of an impact - like this blog. Is this a mid-life crisis? I mean I'm forty three. I haven't taken the career path and don't have much to show for my forty three years. Much of my life has been lived in private although in the past five years I've tried to be open in my talking with others and revealed what I think of as my brilliance - the result of years of remaining silent due to not wanting to make people feel threatened. I've cast off the veil and if people are intimidated, sobeit. I'm included in the equation, too. My feelings are important, too. I've got to have a day in the sun, too. I can't deny myself forever. The world should know of my glory as a piece of God's magnificence. My only hope is to remember that this goes for others as well. Others, too, are expressions of God's magnificence. Actually, moreso, I hope they remember it, so that I don't have to worry about their feeling diminished if I'm myself.

Moving Forward

2006-06-27T12:47:00.000-04:00

When one chooses a course for oneself, is this something which comes form oneself or from God? Is it something that you want or something which God wants for you? This is an invented dilemma as one is one with God and God wants for you what you want for you. You say what you want and God (or the universe) assists you in getting it. Don't just believe me on this one, I'm exploring the issue and as may be seen, I am thinking and procrastinating before enacting my proposed solution to this dilemma. I have been trying to get clear on a future course for myself for the recent period as I have at other periods in my life, but I never quite get there. I don't take the bold, committed step forward to test the idea that if you commit and move boldly toward your goal, unseen forces come to your aid. Dreaming the future isn't my strong point. And this post is holding me back more as I indulge in delineating my weaknesses. I'll stop now, as I don't want to completely put a halt to my forward motion.

Universal Writing

2006-06-24T12:07:00.000-04:00

I have joined a creativity group, which is based on the book The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron, one of who's techniques is to write "morning pages," a journal-like release of everything that's floating around one's brain for a certain volume of writing (three pages). Interestingly, I have done that technique before and it has gradually evolved into this blog, which I do when I get up in the morning. I have to decide what I will do. Will I make this count for the morning pages? In other words I have to decide if this is really a complete release of everything that is in my head. Will I do two writing sessions? Or will I leave out this blog? We shall see.

After doing the "morning pages" in the past, it seemed to me that I was putting forth a tremendous amount of energy, which left me feeling drained and I stopped. I also wondered who I was doing all this writing for. It seemed a shame to just do it for myself. Of course, I had no other outlet for writing for others, which I needed. Ideally, the "morning pages" are a way to get one's creativity going. So, you'll ultimately be engaging in your favorite form of creativity. For me the "morning pages" was an end in itself back then. It was said that they would inevitably bring out one's creative bent while doing them. I didn't find that any right-brain events emerged, although I did find myself getting involved in ruminations on various issues that seemed somewhat deep, like what happens from time to time here in this blog. I like to think of myself as someone who is not left of right-brained but someone who approaches things from the place where the two brains meet.

Doing the morning pages when I did them gave me an easy access to fluent writing and an ability to explore consciousness in the process. So, I'm thankful for that bumping up of my writing channel. Now, I'm not knowingly channeling a spirit or spirits in this blog, but who knows what's going on behind the scenes here. That may sound pretentious, but I don't believe that I'm totally responsible for this blog. It can only come about with the cooperation of the universe.

Thanks for reading this. Blessings.

Vanity

2006-06-22T08:56:00.000-04:00

I've just deleted an attempted post examining whether my blog was an expression of vanity, a comment I recently read about blogs in general. I got confused about the meaning of vanity as it relates to blogs. I suppose that some blogs are filled with material which to some people may be worthless, but which to the writer may be a source of excessive pride. I can't really wrap myself around this issue. Does this mean I am blind to my own vanity in relation to this blog? Perhaps. However, any tendency toward self-importance is countered by the small number of comments and return visitors to this blog. No one has noticed the clarity which I believe characterizes this writing. No one has said that any of these ideas has resonated with their own experience. Well, I'll stop dwelling on what isn't going well with this. I'm glad to be able to write freely on the Web on a nicely put together personal web site. "Devoid of significance." Another characteristic of vanity. This does tread that fine line if I just write anything that occurs to me. What comes out is the product of forty-three years of living. If I have lived a life of significance then what comes out will be significant. If not, not.

I have to admit, this question makes me a little nervous.

Wild

2006-06-20T08:08:00.000-04:00

I will sit here and be alert to inner movements to put down on paper. I had a dream three nights ago about a dog chewing on my right hand, having parts of it be gone subsequently and then having a quasi healing, possibly from a doctor, where a dark patch of skin covered the wound. I believe this was about the process of learning a new right hand technique, which I am undergoing on guitar. The new style of playing which I have recently started to cultivate, has not yet kicked in and the old way still predominates when I play my current repertoire. The exercises I do to practice the new technique have not completely redone my technique on those songs. And, on the day before, I had a performance at the Cambridge RiverFest, which meant totally indulging in my old style. So, my old instinctive style represented by the dog is chewing on my hand and resulting in damage to my new technique, which may not result in a seamless effect. My inner conflict about how to play guitar is reflected on the dog's viciousness.

I have to say that I'm not totally happy with my dream interpretation. I did it, in what seems to me to be a haphazard way, without careful thought. But I'm letting the thoughts roll along without censoring and engaging in the flow. I hope this will be a long post. I want to get into it.

Yesterday I was contemplating what my ultimate dream in life is and what my core genius could be. As usual, when I contemplate, I move from thought area to thought area and I don't come to some ultimate point of clarity. I may get close to one, but then something comes along and diverts the ultimate attainment. A couple of years ago, while doing a Life Purpose workbook, I came up with a possible purpose - "to be an inventive composer who completely expresses the eternal truth using words and music." That struck me again in my contemplations as what could really be my purpose. I thought that for a while, but then my thoughts move to writing a book and leaving out music, just straight writing and writing a book a year. Of course, I have not ever started a book, although it has been on several goals lists I have made. Unfortunately, when I moved to the idea of book writing, I got up and ceased my contemplations. I didn't decide. Which is how my contemplations usually go - unfinished. What have I done with writing? Well, lately it's this blog. I realize that I have included a lot of "I" in this. Does the eternal truth include "I"? Well, I haven't necessarily been trying to write the eternal truth here...or have I? Sure this is cluttered up with a lot of questions that I try to answer on the spot. And a lot of personal stuff. The expressing the eternal truth goal was with the music. I do have a desire to write the eternal truth in a book, too. I once came upon the writing of Joel Goldsmith and then and there that awakened my desire to write the highest level of spiritual truth.

I have turned on iTunes to play my library on shuffle mode. This is a change from my usual blogging iTunes fare, which is usually instrumental stuff. The lyrics distract me, but this time I'm allowing the lyrics to come into play and intrude on my mental space, just for a change. As anyone can see from this post, I'm letting myself run with wild abandon, without care of where I go, so why not let the lyrics distract me. Hmm...as I listen to Elliott Smith I wonder if he let himself go to the point I am now. His music emanates care for what he is doing and a certain conscious control. He didn't let himself get to where he got to through wild abandon, without care. This is being unkind to my reader, it seems to me. But I'm not thinking about my reader while I write this, except for that last comment. I'm just letting myself go. Probably people have read writers who have let themselves go far more wildly than I am doing now. In fact the conscious control I mentioned doesn't apply to a writer like Jack Kerouac, at times. Or Henry Miller. Henry would go wild for pages at a time. He wouldn't worry about conscious control. He wanted to express the heights and depths to which humans could go. Henry said he never worked a day in his life - writing was play for him and that's what he focused on, his heart's desire, and he was one of the most celebrated writers of the twentieth century. Bravo.

A Proper Relationship to the Infinite

2006-06-18T12:57:00.000-04:00

I've set myself the challenge of writing another post today. I've written 74 posts since I started this blog on February 22. What more can I have to say?? Does this go on forever? It can, I suppose, as long as I am willing to express what occurs to me in the context of these writings. Is there a limited amount of material that I can draw from, or is the well unlimited? Is the well limited, but containing more yet to write? If I believe that I am connected to an infinite source of creative energy, will that affect how much I can write? I believe so. The thing is, is this how I would like to spend my energies. Perhaps, there are other ways to devote my energy. Interestingly, I recently read that energy devoted to one thing can not be devoted to something else. So, it's good to devote yourself to what's ones number one priority and not spend it on what's of lesser importance. Of course, I also read of William Blake's creative flurry, which seemed inexhaustible, but that may simply be an impression from outside. William may have had to guard his creative spark carefully, But, of course, this is all conjecture. He is not here to consult. Richard Maurice Bucke, in his book, Cosmic Consciousness, determined that William Blake had attained cosmic consciousness. Does this mean limitless creativity? Possibly. I haven't read his book yet. I would think that if one can allow the infinite creative energy, then one can create endlessly. One would keep out of the One's way. So, it would seem that I could keep doing this endlessly, as long as I felt like it and kept a proper relationship to the infinite.

Many bloggers have demonstrated the endless nature of the process, having blogs which extend over many years. Each moment is new and contains infinite possibility - similarly each blog entry.

Well, I have finished this post. I no longer feel like writing today. I've said what I needed to say for now. I've devoted myself for my allotted time (a limit, I guess, on the potential for infinite expression). There are certain boundaries within which I have established, somewhat arbitrarily. Is this necessary? Is the limit there to be gone beyond? Is limitless living possible? I have other ways in which I want to direct my energies on this day. More mundane activities - laundry, food shopping, etc. (I can feel this veering towards compromise and weakness.) I bless this ending, as a beginning of another sort. Be well.

'Til next time.

The Power of Attraction

2006-06-17T08:02:00.000-04:00

Well, it's another Saturday morning on the blog. I'm looking at the multi-colored glass star, sitting atop a window frame, that I bought from the Museum of Fine Arts (Boston) gift shop. It was something I wanted to bring into my life after seeing it on my previous visit to the Museum, and I did and now it brings me pleasure from looking at it. I was reminded to get it when I did a process of writing down things I wanted in my life. The next time I went to the museum I remembered that I wanted it and got it. I didn't have to make an effort to get it. With the clarity of it in my mind and on paper, I attracted it easily.

Whole Foods Markets

2006-06-12T08:03:00.000-04:00

It's sunny. I've gotten up early for a change. The rain is gone. Kitaro is on iTunes playing his peaceful, clear music. Well, after yesterday's shift in outlook regarding comments, I received three this morning. Ceasing to complain and changing to an attitude of gratitude for what I have received made a difference, it seems. When one is grateful, one is telling the universe "more of this." So, I got more. These were very positive comments. Thank you!

I saw, on "Sixty Minutes" a couple of weeks back, and edition where the head of Whole Foods Markets was interviewed. Personally I love shopping at Whole Foods Markets and I thought the man interviewed did a really good job presenting where he and the chain was coming from. For some reason, Dan Rather seemed to be picking at him, trying to turn his more interesting aspects into something negative. He didn't really succeed. He just showed how petty he could be. Perhaps he was trying to exploit how different the head of Whole Foods is from mainstream society, and how more aware and enlightened he is and turn it against him. Some interviewers' skepticism of some people who are doing great things grates on me sometimes. I guess when you're too far ahead of society, some of the people who are left behind can get a bit crotchety. Read the interview.

Hmm... I'm linking to societal events. What is this blog becoming? Well, we can expand into current events, I suppose, if they point to pertinent issues.

No Complaints

2006-06-10T12:39:00.000-04:00

Someone read a good portion of my blog on Thursday. That's reassuring. No comment though. No contact from this person. Maybe the next reader...

I hope this doesn't creep people out that I can see something of the readers of this blog. Nothing too personal, though. Just the operating system (Windows/Mac) and the browser and the pages clicked as well. The IP address if I want. Details like whether they are returning visitors or first-timers. It's something, if people don't want to leave a comment. Of course, no one is required to comment. Everyone is free to be who they are. I respect that. After all, I rarely comment on others' blogs. Maybe I should change that.

If I get readers who don't comment, it's a testimony to what I'm (not) attracting through my thoughts and feelings. I'm completely responsible. I don't blame anybody for what I attract into my experience. If I constantly write about how people don't comment, then that's what I'll attract. I'm shooting myself in my own foot by doing that. It's complaining, and everyone knows (or some people do, anyway) that complainers simply attract more of what they complain about. Then they can feel justified about what they complain about and go on complaining, which is what they really want to do, rather than find a solution. So, in line with this realization I'll say, "Thank you to all the people who have commented on this blog. I've found your comments friendly, interesting and refreshing. I wish you all well." There, a breakthrough. And, thank you to all who read and/or comment on this blog today. Peace and blessings.

Ramblings (To Use the Stock Blogging Term)

2006-06-08T12:22:00.000-04:00

It's been another 13 hour sleep. As I get older the need for sleep gets stronger. It makes me wonder if I'm living in an awake fashion during the hours that I am awake. Someone once told me that as one lives in a more awake manner one needs less sleep. But, that's just one person's opinion and I can't take it too seriously.

I want to write a long post today. These five-ten minute posts are fun, but I want to spend more time writing. After all, it's not very often that I get immersed in something that I'm doing, like I do with writing. Yes, the short posts pack a punch and are easier for people who like to flip through blogs quickly. A longer post is more daunting and may repel some readers if it is not immediately of interest to them. These take me a while to get into, so I may have already lost my one and only reader today. But that may only be gibberish... Who am I to be so all-knowing? Isn't that pretentious? (Uh oh, I've introduced doubt into my writing flow. Now what will happen? Will my momentum be slowed? It's the "objective observer" in me, who only sees lack in what I'm doing. It's not really an objective observer, but it is a critic, subtly place in the back of my mind. I've met him before and am working through his significance to me. There are probably more things that I could do in relation to him, but for now I'll just note his presence and go on. I could dialogue with him or I could subject his assertions to inquiry but won't. In the past those techniques did not prove to be so satisfying. Or is it that I'm pulling away from something that could prove to be a breakthrough. No, that doesn't happen for me. Anyway, those techniques are of the mind and I don't want to enter the field of the mind anymore. I prefer the realm of being, without the mind, or so my latest reading has suggested to me. True, that idea has been hitting me over the head lately. Be, don't think. So, I sit here writing my thoughts down in this blog. Isn't that silly? Well, this isn't really thinking per say, it's allowing thoughts to be expressed via the mind. I'm not sure if that is really a distinction that can be made, but I have to make room for what I'm doing here, as I love doing it and am not going to stop just because someone says "no mind.")

I'm overjoyed that I have ideas to write in a fluent manner. When I see people speaking fluently in monologue fashion, I have a negative reaction, possibly because I have never been able to do that, but doing it here "on paper" feels fine to me. The thing is, with those people to talk on and on, I lose interest and feel burdened by the act of listening. Perhaps that is what happens to my readers here. I may not be a "motor mouth," but I may be a "motor fingers" or a "motor mind." On the other hand this may not be the pressurized ramblings of a "motor mouth" but the sparklingly clear, brilliant writings of a conscious writer. That is how I would prefer to think of myself.

All this extra sleep that I have been getting lately may be dampening my energy level for practicing guitar/voice in preparation for a couple of gigs coming up. I just play for a short while and drop it. That could be an issue, as I have to be able to play for about an hour on Saturday, maybe more. That may not sound like a lot, considering the typical concert is about an hour and a half to two hours, but my gigs are noticeably shorter, usually a half hour in length. Any doubts about my ability to pay for an hour are probably only in my head. I've been feeling dissatisfied by the limited time requirement of my gigs and I feel energized often by performing and wish things could grow and develop with more time spent doing it. But well-prepared for gigs are energizing. If I'm not playing well, things could be different.

Why am I introducing doubt about my ability to meet the challenge of the next gig? No need for it. Life is beautiful and whatever I need to play the gig will be available to me, energy or whatever. All I have to do is focus on love and everything will be fine. Call on God and my angels and things will go great. I can rely on the forces that go into my performances. Things virtually always go well, as well as I'm able.

Period of Transition

2006-06-07T11:07:00.000-04:00

Another period of potential flooding here in Eastern Massachusetts. The cleansing process is underway. The mirror of emotional release is happening. As energies seek balance in the raising of the collective consciousness of the humans in the world in this time, we can expect erratic weather patterns. Eventually things will smooth out and we'll be living in a bright new world existing at a higher level - a world of greater love, peace and harmony. So, how to get through the period of transition? Trust your intuition and go with its flow and you'll experience less jarring experiences. You all (me included) are connected to universal wisdom, which has your highest good as its purpose. I write this for me as much as for you. I'm clarifying it for myself and reminding myself of these truths.

Living Timelessly

2006-06-06T10:59:00.000-04:00

The days of long posts may be coming to an end. I've found the neat joy of doing neat, short posts. So what, I could go back to doing a longer post at any time. The joy of deep immersion is a great one. And any way even my "long" post aren't as long as some. They're mostly limited to about an hour's writing. The shorter post leave the time bound element. Why force fit oneself into time structures? I'll live timelessly. When the ideas come to a pertinent finish, I'll stop, irrespective of time. There! Bye!

Greetings!

2006-06-05T10:18:00.000-04:00

Here I am. But I'll likely be somewhere else when you read this, but I'll be where I am just the same. Am I where the words say, "Here I am"? My energy may be with the words on the blog. So, "Here I am" could be an accurate statement as written. Is there somewhere where I am not? There is the area of where my body is and I (as spirit) am concentrated around that point, but I (as spirit) extend throughout the universe, so anywhere the words which I have written, which I have started this post with, are read can be said to be an accurate statement. I am everywhere. As are you, and we are together, throughout the universe. Greetings fellow universal being!

Straightforward

2006-06-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

I am glad to be writing this. What I have to say is no different. I am confused about writing in a straightforward manner, when I could be being funny, but as I have found out, when I speak in an apparently straightforward manner is when people sometimes laugh. So, people could be laughing at my straightforwardness. Does someone who tries to be funny succeed? Probably some do. But some don't. Perhaps straightforward communication is not perceived as being straightforward nor received as such. There have been times when I have thought I was being funny by saying the opposite of what I meant. Often, people take this as straightforward and no one laughs. So, what is being straightforward and what is not. How can one tell? Am I being straightforward now???

What To Do?

2006-06-02T08:24:00.000-04:00

I've got time to fill this summer. The only way to go seems to be to set goals for what I want to do and spend my time achieving them. That is, unless I am willing to allow myself to drift through my days aimlessly. Probably there will be some of both. It's pretty hard to spend 12 hours a day on goal directed activity, for me, that is. But wait, even having one goal to work on during the day means you are not aimless, even if you only spend a part of your day doing it. Or, I suppose, one can have goals for every area of one's life, including leisure time. I have never been able to be so organized, except for one time in my life, when I devoted myself 13 hours a day to working on my music, based on a carefully thought out strict schedule, repeating itself every day that I worked. This worked for a while, a few months, but eventually I burned out on it and gratefully let it go from my life without making a conscious decision to do so. It just fell away. Interestingly, or not, my outward life as a musician didn't change much, if at all. I have heard it said that even if one works in a closet, eventually the world will eventually come to you. It didn't happen with me.

Come to think of it, doing this blog has become the same scenario. I've been working alone on this and few people have come along in any significant kind of way. No, I haven't been offered any book deals or requests to write for any publications. I suppose this is the paying dues part of my writing life. I haven't really developed my craft nor do I really consciously know what I'm doing here, except that, I'm exploring my inner process. That's just it. Why would anyone be interested in my inner process. Am I an expert on THE inner process of humans? That would be a better way to frame it. Have I reached a height which can inspire other humans to reach, or surpass? Do people see any value in what I'm doing? To me, it's pretty vital, the stuff of what living is about, largely. But, who focuses on it directly like I do. Oh, lots of people do or have done so in the past. Hey, that's something to find out... Who's doing this? Probably, most introverts and those seeking Self-knowledge who are on a spiritual path.

Wishing you the illlumination of the inner process-

The Light at the End of the Serious Tunnel

2006-06-01T12:29:00.000-04:00

When I was a young boy the first thing I ever wanted to be was a comedian. If I remember correctly my favorites were Soupy Sales and Red Skelton. I thought that a person standing in front of a group of people and getting them to convulse in laughter was the coolest thing. This desire didn't go very far, although I do remember one person signing a signature book of mine in junior high praising me for my "witty humor." I've never done stand up comedy, not have I been diligent about making up or even remembering jokes to tell people. I have experienced the wonderful sense of getting a group of people to laugh about something I have said. Generally, this happens unintentionally and I haven't analyzed how it happened. There is often a strain of absurdist humor running through my banter with people that I find funnier than others do, generally. So, why am I writing about this? I'm trying to gain a perspective on what place humor really has in my life. A while back, I asked my heart what it's desire was. One answer I got was "wit." It's taken me a while to get serious about heeding that answer. I did notice that when I wrote one of my "humorous" post several posts back, something was satisfied in me - I didn't need food to satisfy me anymore, I was satisfied as a result. Cracking (or trying) to crack jokes was satisfying to my soul. Unfortunately, being witty is not my baseline as this apparently straightforward post testifies. The habits of a long time might be hard to break. Interestingly, I have recently been feeling that I needed to get into a feeling of embracing my absolute seriousness unflinchingly. There seemed to be a new depth to it and there was no smiling that was going to get me out of it. I had to allow myself and my fact to fall into the bleakness and total somberness. And what arose out of that? My face didn't become ugly with seriousness, but in the depth of the seriousness of my outward appearance with a few weeks of this, there rose a hint of a smile on my lips in my state of dead seriousness. I didn't have to worry about going utterly black. There was lightness in there, without my having to try to put it there!

So here I am without a joke in my mind. Why is that? Because I have unflinchingly gone into the depths of seriousness unblinkingly and without fear. Do I need to crack a joke to get some relief? Not at the moment. I don't need to reflexively run from my emotional state. Is that what comedians do sometimes? Run themselves, or get other people to run from some uncomfortable state? Do some comedians attempt to keep others from descending to where they have gone, or, more to the point, to where they won't go? Well, what other comedians do is not too important for me. What will I do as a comedian? Hmm... That question doesn't put a smile in my heart. It makes me feel more serious. Am I willing to have others become serious in my presence. That has been my lifelong problem - a fear of having others be influenced my serious, or expressed in another way - deep - state. Perhaps that is an imaginary problem. My state is not so overpowering of others that I have to protect others from it.

Am I willing to be serious in others' presence. That is the question posed, in all seriousness.

An Inner Journey

2006-05-31T10:12:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling calm. What to say today, after my frenetic outpouring on my last post. It's said, in Lillian DeWaters' book, The Light of the Eternal, not to look to the mind and thinking. I've read this from several books lately - the mind is unreliable. That seems to put me in a stuck place. After all, I write a blog. Do I not write using the mind? Or something else? These questions put me in a place of unknowing - my mind can not answer these questions. Good! Now I can see what's true. (As if I'm really going to see the truth.) One of the familiar faces is appearing in my inner space (is this the mind?). I experience the music of Aeoliah coming from iTunes. I hear birds chirping from various directions from outside my room. I feel my body contacting the chair and floor where I am. Is this the mind or something else? There's no thinking, only being (OK, maybe this writing is like thinking). I get up to refill my coffee cup. Another face appears in my inner space after there being a sense of feeling hindered, oppressed rather than free in my inner being. Memories arise from when I was at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston yesterday, images of the beautifully relaxed subjects who posed for some of the portraits in the "Degas to Picasso" exhibit. Something in me looks toward the highest part of my inner space for some signs of spiritual illumination, I'm waiting in my empty state. Nothing there. Distracting myself from what is, with this seeking for something not present, described by someone else? There, back to accumulated knowledge of what seeking is, back to mind.

I guess, using the mind to write is as valid as anything else, as long as you don't take it as totally reliable. It's just words. The word is not the thing described. Words can only point to the truth, they are not the truth. And all products of the mind are only feeble attempts to encapsulate truth or point to truth, no matter how skilled the writer may be.

A SERIOUS Mystery

2006-05-29T10:14:00.000-04:00

Since rediscovering my long lost sense of humor, most things without it seem positively uproarious in their seriousness. What drivel it is without humor. Incredibly most of what is being done out there is being done in all seriousness! What's going on (he says in all seriousness)?? Now, I realize that my newfound humorous aspect can't instantly and immediately become the measure of all of what's going on in the world. After all, what would become of my new shadow side (dead serious) and it's projection into the world, which is what I'm seeing, right? Oh, I had to spoil it with serious wisdom... I suppose not all people want to be falling over themselves with giddy laughter and clever witticisms. Some people might not have a sense of humor. Whether I have one might be dubious. After all, I can't come charging out of the gate as Mr. Humor, without having run a few races, with a Steve Martin mask on and a hyper aroused humor gauge dangling from my neck. That would certainly, not be funny (he says, looking at the humor gauge dangling from his neck). Oh, the inner judges are at work, clamping down on anything new that shows up - those silly billies. How trite! They are the ones to be laughed out of existence with their clodlike demeanor and self-righteous pontification. I know, they only want me to be normal and respectable and for heaven's sake NOT TO TAKE RISKS. But it's too late. The cat is out of the bag. Let's see if they try to drag me back to my self-created hell. They seem stunned. Unable to respond. Deadened. Well, what can we do? Oh, no. If they are dead, then I'm dead. We are not two. We are all One. There go the risks of inner rebellion, the ultimate fallacy being separateness. There goes the serious wisdom again. I'll stop now, as I seem to have fallen of the horse.

Hmm... Where to go from here? Has my new growth been quelled? By an overabundance of exuberance and naive belief believe in its independence? Surely others have successfully made new breaks with their former selves. Ah, but freedom may not be an easy road. There may be obstacles to overcome. How badly do I want it? Surely, William Blake would know about this. And all "serious" creators. Hmm... Not a "whit" of humor in sight. This could be serious... Or not. Hmm... How much farther do I have to go? What, where did that come from? How much farther to where??? This is becoming a mystery. A very DEEP mystery. A SERIOUS mystery. Sobeit.

Breaking From the Past

2006-05-28T12:28:00.000-04:00

Lots of things are done with no humor evident, yet they are successful. For example the album I'm currently listening to, Feels Like Home, by Norah Jones. It's not an album that will get you laughing, yet it does what it does well, sets a soothing relaxed vibe. Being without humor does not mean it's without life or color or richness. But somehow, to me, to be without humor in some endeavor is to be without something essential. So, what do you think of these jokes I'm cracking about being without humor?? I'm really doing a good job, don't you think? I'm really making my point. How could I have come so far in this blog without using some humor? I was trying to take myself very seriously to make sure I made a good impression on the mysterious readers taking a glance at this (and moving on). Thank God I'm over that. I'll make a much better impression on the readers who stop for forty seconds or so, before going somewhere else in the blog, enough to read a paragraph in a five paragraph post. So much for interesting that one. They come and go like flies to piece of turd. Uh oh, my self-love is coming out. Yeah, those affirmations of love and acceptance directed towards myself really make a difference, don't they? And there goes Norah, doing what she's doing without the trace of a smile on her face. Ho hum...

Well, I've done it, I've broken the monotony of doing this blog with some humor. (I can feel the straightforward mode coming back into being, here, (gag!!!). Please, stop now, before it gets worse!!! Help me before I start singing like Norah Jones on this blog.

With wit and love-

Without Humor

2006-05-27T09:48:00.000-04:00

I've realized that I don't use much humor on this blog. This is all pretty much straight ahead. Does anybody really care? I just read a post by someone who clearly has a lighthearted sense of humor and displays it freely in his blog. He also has many readers commenting on his posts. So, does that mean I should change my style? I mean, I do have a sense of humor, although I'm not sure where it is in this blog. I remember letters I wrote to friends in my youth that were full of wit. Incredibly, I don't see this opportunity as a chance to do the same. This is just the same pseudo wise crap that no one has any interest in. (I know, post more comments on others' blogs and you'll get some back.) I'm just temporarily blinded by another's greatness. It's pulling me away from who I am now, which is basically straight ahead and, OK, without humor. That's OK. Humor isn't everything, or is it? Humor is one of the spices of life. How can anything without humor be trusted?? Hmpff...

The Smoke of Fear

2006-05-26T07:06:00.000-04:00

I've been finding that I've been needing to break new ground in my posts, but have been reluctant to allow this to happen. I've started to write two new posts in the past three days, but broke off in the middle of them and aborted them. One was where I tried to comment on political issues. I don't recall the other one. I've seen other bloggers who seem to be able to come up with fresh stuff daily out of their own heads. I suppose I have been doing that all along and them I was too uncertain about breaking new ground. I'm sure that my aborted posts would have been fine had I continued with them. Probably they would have broken me out of an "I" focus and gone to things outside of my own inner space. Maybe I didn't want to do that.

But, of course, who am I if I don't allow my mind to go where it wills and am attached to rigid self images. This won't do. I will work on allowing my posts to expand and grow. If I can't do that here, where can I do it? However, I am free to drop what I'm doing if I'm so moved, but it's not necessary. Exploration is a valid mode of being. I know, I dropped those posts because of the defined nature of this blog at the top of this page. Maybe I need to change what this blog is conceived of as. That might help. I tend to be very organized and will probably feel the subconscious need to stay with the blog as I've defined it.

I've been please that several people have looked at my blog, generally someone will come along as I make each post. Someone new who might look for about forty seconds or so and move on or go to another page, occasionally. There's a big difference between having the capacity to reach all people connected to the internet and actually reaching them all. I reach a minute portion of them and "reach" might be overstating it, but about that I claim to be agnostic.

Things have been good here, with easy, peaceful boundary respected bus rides for me, see this post. That experience has aroused some uneasiness for a while about riding, but now that's abating. Things are really beautiful most of the time on the buses around here. Just people going about their daily lives in a relaxed manner. It's interesting how fear runs through the mind, throwing up worst scenario possibilities, to get one worked up, if one allows it. Of course, the scenarios never happen. You find out that you are safe, regardless of what these images say. I love outwitting the fear part of my mind, knowing that it's messages are not to be believed. In discussing things with other people, it seems that I'm the oddball here. Many people believe that those images are there to be taken seriously and are preparing you, in an act of self protection. In living with images and feelings of fear for years. I have seen that there's nothing to them. What happens never even resembles what they say. Something might happen, but it won't be what I fear. This has been an interesting inner scenario in my life, because the fears recur often in various guises, but are just smoke, clouding the love and safety that prevails.

Making the choice for love...

Miracles Out of Nowhere

2006-05-22T06:16:00.000-04:00

I've been able to get up bright and early the last two days, which means I haven't lain in bed for too long and sapped my energy and verve for my first thing in the morning task of writing this blog. As I recall, yesterday I was getting involved in the question of whether there was a source for the ideas appearing in my head and feeling bogged down by the process. I don't want to go to deeply into studying that again, I'd much prefer experiencing the delight of living it out. I don't have to know exactly how it works. I'll just experience the magic of it. Like the Kansas song says, "It's just love and miracles out of nowhere." The ideas that pop into my head are like miracles occurring in a steady stream. Wow. What have I done to deserve such a blessing of mental abundance? I pray for it and am grateful for it when it comes, but those processes are a late addition. I experienced it before doing those things, but as I take it upon myself to do this blog the stakes get a little higher and the urgency greater and I don't take the blessing so much for granted or assume it comes from my own power and doing alone.

For a long time Keith Jarrett was my idol, with his solo improvised performances on piano before a live audience. The spirit of that inspires me here. He spoke about getting into a heightened conscious state to do that. I just stay in touch with the Now as intensely as I can and write. Interestingly, what I write is mostly about my experience in that moment. For example, I don't bring through universal wisdom in an abstract way as if I was in touch with other realms. I wonder why. Sometimes I wish I did. Maybe sometime I will.

I wonder if I unnecessarily limited my conception of what I'm doing with the previous statements. I'm not sure what I'm bringing through here. I won't dampen things with limiting ideas. What a silly thing to do? It's the part of me that seems to observe myself objectively and only sees what I lack. I know that aspect. I notice it hanging around often. It's a soft form of the inner critic.

Well, the juices aren't flowing so much today. (More inner critic.) I'm doing a lot of pondering, rather than writing. That's OK. This writing is thought provoking to me. But, to much lugubriation bogs down the writing process.

I'll leave it at that. Till next time, friends.

Spontaneity!

2006-05-21T08:22:00.000-04:00

Spontaneity! It's good that I'm going through all the layers of what I have been influenced by over the years here. It's in doing that that I can come upon something that is not the result of influence. Through spontaneity, I can learn about myself and what I'm really made of in the hope of going beyond the influences.

I can't remember the last time I watched a baseball game. I find the game to slow moving for my taste. In fact, I rarely watch sporting events. The last time I watched sports was a couple of months ago when I watched a couple of tennis matches on T.V. I had always loved watching tennis as a kid and it was at times thrilling watching the expert playing involved. Sometimes it was a deeply emotional experience for me when a point was exceptionally well played by my favorite player. (I quickly formed a favorite in each of the games I saw.) The beauty involved was exquisite. Talk about spontaneity, each response by the players demanded unpremeditated responses to respond to each new situation. It's true, they have practiced their shots with many years of training, but what comes through is the skillful response to the moment's challenge - the spirit of the player working through the physical language they had developed.

I find myself breaking my writing into more paragraphs than I used to in this blog. I tended to get into a longer streams of thought before. Now, I'm breaking sooner, with shorter streams of thought. This feels a little disconcerting, as the experience feels less intense and I wonder if I'm losing my edge here. Probably people find reading shorter paragraphs a little easier, but I'm not sure. People might have to get their resolve up a little more to read a long paragraph and follow the intensity of my mental probing, which I love to do, but which could demand to much effort on the part of the reader. Still, my hope would be that my clarity would keep things refreshing enough to keep up with the endeavor of reading me. But you know, lots of writers can be clear. Clear writing is not so rare. Perhaps there is something extra clear about mine. Perhaps... No, I know this to be true.

I'm relieved to find my DSL service is working more reliably now that the rain has relented. The rain also caused havoc with my phone service. Today things are smooth sailing!

That was a short paragraph, we're just flitting around all over the place here, all in the name of spontaneity. Yay! Things are great when I quickly follow my inner promptings! Some people who are writers write for many hours a day. These posts usually take me about an hour or so. How would it be to do this for many hours at a stretch? Would I be able to keep up my energy and intensity? And the flow of ideas? And would there be any interest on the part of the reader? For that, it would seem that I would have to have something to say for all that time. But, you know, that is putting an arbitrary parameter on something which may be unnecessary. "Have to"s kill creativity. I'm getting excited about this as I write this, but the downward pull of uncertainty weighs on me somewhat. It's fear of forging ahead into uncharted waters and wariness of rising to meet the challenge of upping my output. I could see it as that or I could see it as playing for a longer time - upping my play time. Still, people get tired from playing too much. Why am I doubting myself? It's just the resistance to stepping outside of my comfort zone. Or so I think...

I find it interesting that I think I can observe myself in a detached manner and analyze myself. That analyzer needs to be analyzed and when does the process of backing up to observe oneself end? When one comes upon empty space. And pure observation. No, I'm not sure about that. These are just products of thought - imaginations of what is and ideas picked up from books. I can't say these things for sure. I don't know. I mean here I am typing at the keyboard endlessly, but I'm not in a state of sure mystic certainty. There's just the emptiness, with words showing up in it, which I write down. Just pure observation, poised to extract the content of the muse - hmm... the muse, that is just a thought from the past - all there is is words. Do I know there is a muse? What's that? Just something I've heard of.

The muse. Is that the source of the inner promptings and words in the head? Isn't "the source" assuming that there is a source. There could be a source, but isn't that for me now an unknown? Just because something appears, does that mean it has to have a source or cause? These questions don't bring me to a greater feeling of clarity, they just create a sense of being cut off. Is there a source for what I'm writing? Something outside of what I'm conscious of. I'm retreating into a rigorous mental probing, which has slowed down the flow of my writing. To question the source of this puts a kink in the process. To demand that the mystery be understood by the mind is silly, for the mind is limited indeed and can't grasp the vastness of the mystery of life. Unfortunately, this direction is bogging me down and lowering my energy.

It's been a longer entry than usual and I'm thinking about ending it, unless I can get the flow going again. The sun is rising higher and is just out of the view of my window. The music flows out of iTunes softening the vibe here. I've been writing for an hour and a half, longer than usual and much to my chagrin, I'm getting a bit tired. I must not be letting the energy flow as easily as it could. Don't inspired people do what they do for hours and hours without getting tired. One connected to the infinite universal source of energy has infinite energy. How to tap into it? By doing what you love to do from a place of love.

Well, rather than push on, I'll leave it here, with a good day (or night) to you.

Fresh Expression

2006-05-20T11:35:00.000-04:00

I am something. I am in the process of deconstructing my writing style, or at least for the moment I was. Who is it that writes? Why write? What is it that I write in this blog?

I am writing down the product of the influences on my thinking. Is it possible to write free from former influences? That's difficult for me to answer. After all, one learns how to write as a child and one learns what to write as one gets older. Boy, this has the appearance of my having an objective view into the process of writing through one's life. Is this true? Can I really view the "past" with objectivity or is that really the projection of the present moment into a picture of the past that I create? I have observed, in my thinking, a tendency to make generalizations about the past, which with a little thought are shown to be wrong. If my writing is conditioned by my past influences, how can I write in a fresh manner uncontaminated by these influences. Maybe, although there's an element of being influenced from before, the writing I do in this moment is fresh and unconditioned although the language may be preinfluenced. That is, the spirit of what I'm doing can be fresh, even if some of the words, syntax, etc. are old. That's it. What I'm writing now has never been written before in just this way, in all likelihood, although it's possible that some of the ideas here have been thought before.

Just for fun, I googled a section of what I had just written to see if it came up anywhere on the Web and it didn't. Nothing matched it. This is (likely) a brand new expression in the world, unique, one of a kind, as are many of the posts on blog sites all over the world, I'd bet. It's God experiencing itself afresh, in a multiplicity of ways, all contributing to the oneness.

I am humbled to be a part of this process and in awe of it. I hope I am using it in the most beneficial manner, for all concerned.

Musical Housemate

2006-05-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

Am I here to make sound that impinges on others in my environment or is it my way to work quietly, without anyone knowing? I've always been wary of playing my instruments in my rooms or apartments and having the neighbors hear what I'm doing. I like the idea of privacy. However, when I write this blog, things are quiet and no one can say that they are aware of what I'm doing, that is until it reaches the Web. I guess, even this somewhat impinges on others, but not without their consent. In my room, many people can hear what I'm doing musically, without their inviting it into their space. This sense of intrusion is intolerable... to me.

Ideally, I would be able to play from my heart, doing what I wanted, without concern for others. And the purity of that would carry through to any others experience and would be welcome. Unfortunately, any sense of complaint puts a damper on my gusto for what I'm doing. Fooey! I think I have to be more focused on what I want, rather than what others want.

Oh well, I can sit here and write this post in peace and put it into cyberspace, where everyone comes voluntarily. That's beautiful.

Umff!?

2006-05-18T11:30:00.000-04:00

Here I sit with Glenn Gould playing Bach's Well Tempered Clavier on iTunes. I almost forgot to put something on to keep the gears moving smoothly and inspiredly. I can also hear the birds singing at my window on this partly cloudy day of mild temperature. I feel peaceful and glad to be typing my thoughts on my keyboard in a spontaneous way, as I'm moved to. I do this in trust that there will be something to write emerging from the point of the present moment. I intend to write and the words appear in the process of doing this. What did I have to do with it? As I've heard other people write about this process of life, it's just the universe doing a dance with itself in it's multiplicity but ultimate oneness. I find that people are stopping by this site from time to time in this dance. Putting myself out into the world is not putting oneself into a void. I am not separate from the world. It's not possible to be an island, though one might imagine oneself to be. Who is coming my way? I realize it's a big shift from reading a blog to commenting on it. Most people do the former. But it's not really necessary.

As I continue on in this post, I wonder if I've really had anything significant to say, anything with any umff! Anything that might strike someone as interesting or thought provoking. I'm not going to worry about that because I can't really know what will strike someone. What I imagine to be interesting might go unnoticed by some people and similarly what I don't consider can be of vital importance to someone. It's uncertain. Maybe some writers can predict the effect their words will have on a reader, but I'm not one of them. I haven't had that much experience with others reading my spontaneous expressions and also I haven't put much thought into how my words can potentially affect a reader. I have always come from a place of simply trying to be true to my inner muse. For most of my life no one read what I wrote from a personal place. And that's how I wanted it. I didn't want to be affected by others' reactions. It wasn't important to me. I simply wanted the purity of self-expression alone, unto itself, to connect with what I was about and nothing more. Perhaps all this posting is still a form of indulging in self-centered noodling and is not of interest to most. I don't know.

I'm grateful to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

Internal and External Weather

2006-05-17T10:24:00.000-04:00

Well, the sun has broken out after a week and a half of overcast, extremely rainy weather here. That piece if information should be on just about everyone's blog (from this area) I'll bet. It's funny how many people's mood is affected by the weather. When the sun finally broke out yesterday, several people I was around evinced having a visceral reaction to this phenomenon. Apparently their mood is strongly affected by factors outside themselves. Does it have to be this way? Is it necessary? Can one's mood be caused my things within oneself. Does one have to be so identified with the external weather that it causes a shift in one's internal weather? The weather, rain or shine, does it have to be a factor in one's subjective world? I thought I wanted to go to the place where I would say that one's internal weather is strictly an inside job, that the outer weather doesn't have to affect one. When I focus on the present moment, by simply dwelling in that awareness, it seems to me that the weather doesn't affect my mood. But I'm not so sure I'm being very convincing here. After all, the sky's blue now and I do feel a little lighter than I did at this time yesterday. Things feel alright now, whereas yesterday things felt quite tense. Now, I don't know if that's because of the weather or not. It's curious to try to figure out why one is feeling the way one does. Is it possible? Is it worthwhile to try, or is it more important to simply experience without introducing the mind's questions. I've found that to ask why to such a thing leads to frustration and befuddlement. I like to stick with each new moment as it presents itself, without the "why."

Some people say that there is no "I" to speak of. If this is the case, who writes this blog? The universe? Others say that who one is, ultimately is the "I am presence," or that our main purpose in life is to create and experience who we are, through making "I am" declarations as the start of the process. Who or what are we? Pure awareness alone or that plus a wave of consciousness that flows through one? Is what I'm doing here an expression of "I," or is it the process of a universal wave coming through, without an "I." I seem to have some sort of individuality that's being used here, the way an certain individual being thinks and writes this. Or is that not the case? Do I have to understand this at all, or is living alone sufficient? I want to achieve clarity about all this.

Obviously, I'll still in the process of sorting out all of what I've read to determine what my truth is.

Odd Experience

2006-05-16T10:43:00.000-04:00

The other day I was riding on a bus, when two youth sat on either side of me and one, while I was reading. The one on my left repeatedly put his face close to mine, staring at me and the other put his arm around me. What was I to make of this? I remained calm and tried to act in a friendly manner towards them. It seemed that they had more of their buddies across the aisle. The one with his arm around me touched my leg after a while. What is the appropriate response to a situation like this, when one is being harassed by young punks. Luckily, they got off the bus as a group, so it didn't drag on endlessly. I realize that I could have gone and told the bus driver or got off the bus when I had an opportunity. However, I am in the mindset to accept my experience with equanimity, what ever it is. In describing this experience to others, afterwards, I heard it described as a "horror," however, to me it was just a mild intrusion.

However, one is accustomed to having one's physical space respected in one's outings into society, and it mostly is. There have been times in my life when I have overstepped that boundary. It can arouse fear and make people uncomfortable. But the guidelines can be vague. And if one has an inner impetus to act, guidelines or the intention to focus on how the other may feel may not be in the forefront of one's mind.

I have to make sure I have enough suitable social outlets among standard channels to keep things going smoothly.

Relationship

2006-05-15T10:24:00.000-04:00

I'm experiencing a heaviness in the pit of my stomach. I tried to start a post and was struggling, so I realized that I had to address this. Avoiding it only increased it's intensity, while confronting it mellows it out. It's something to write a post almost every day, here. Putting myself out to the whole world for whoever comes along. There needs to be a certain faith in people and myself to do this.

There's a certain skillfulness that's needed in dealing with all types of people. It's said that we attract people into our lives who are in harmony with our vibration, which is based on our thoughts and feelings. I'm exploring that idea in my life, by deliberately choosing some thoughts to think and being aware of other thoughts that come along, which affect my feelings, and then observing my experience, always with an eye out to which thoughts/beliefs were responsible for my experience. Also, I'm aware of the futility involved in resisting or arguing with reality. Resistance to what is only puts it more firmly in place, so the saying goes, and I'm studying the applicability of that idea.

Blessings to everyone!

The Nature of Memory

2006-05-14T09:08:00.000-04:00

Sometimes things go the way you want them and sometimes they don't. It seems like an important thing to respond in as constructive a way as possible to keep yourself confident in the aftermath of a challenging situation. But, what if one accepted whatever arose in one's experience with equanimity and peace. Would anything be a problem? Is that possible? I have met a challenging experience recently with equanimity and peace and still the effects of the situation linger in my mind steadily and demand more skill to deal with then the original experience. This amounts to making sure I keep my mind off the negative situation and on things I like to imagine or on the present moment in it's naked state (void of the past situation in my mind). An interesting thing I find is that the "past" situation doesn't stay the same in my mind. It changes it's nature as my thoughts, attitudes and beliefs change, to a point. That is, it stays present, fixed in certain aspects but fluid in others. What does this say about the past? It only lives in memory and memory can change, therefore the past can change with the present. Do you experience your memory changing and evolving with changes in one's outlook in the present or do memories remain fixed for you?

What's usually in my mind are figures that represent people, mostly who I have had interactions with recently. The energies and attitudes of these people impinge on my thinking and have a strong influence. Much of my energy goes into dealing with this phenomenon. Sometimes I can get them to go away temporarily, but they are often in my mind for long periods. Often the unpleasant interactions linger the strongest, while pleasant ones are quickly forgotten, much to my disappointment. In thinking about the people who reside in my mind, I often gain deep insights into them, I believe. However, most often these images are unwanted impingments on my mental clarity. Over the years, I have had various insights into how I can manage these experiences, but I haven't yet been able to make them go away.

I've come to realize that it is foolish to think that I ultimately write this blog to please anyone else but me. That seems to be a more truthful way to approach this than to think I am teaching anybody directly. I guess I have always known this. I couldn't do this for one second if I didn't want to for myself. The joy of writing and exploring my experience is it's own reward.

I am God, hmm...

2006-05-12T08:21:00.000-04:00

I let pass several impulses on how to start this post, for example, like how I deal with a few days of heavy feelings in myself. Sure, I'm not avoiding them, I'm staying aware of them. I wonder what belief about myself is being broken down. Is it the belief that I am a guitarist/singer? Perhaps what's hampering me is the belief that these feelings have to go away and be replaced with feelings of lightness. I can accept these feelings as part of me, without wanting them to be anything else or go anywhere. That takes some courage, for me, as after a few days, I get nervous and want to do something to change them. But that's not necessary. I'm feeling better as I write this.

I am learning to not cling to high feelings and avoid heavier feelings. The heavier feelings have their place and are part of the process of being human. Perhaps they are flip sides of the same coin, each only exists in relation to the other. Like William Blake says, "Joy and sorrow are woven fine, a clothing for the soul divine."

I'm struggling with whether to reveal the other impulse I had when starting this post. Well, I'm not going to bottle myself up. I am God. There, it's out. I could go into explaining this to make it palatable to people (and myself), but I won't. I'll let it stand there. My high-level explanations to myself about what that can mean don't make the drive to assert it as a means to separate myself from others any less, and I'm slightly ashamed of that, because I know that isn't true. Still, some sense eggs me on in spite of resistance. The resistance is the truth that God is All, and so I am a part of the All, as is everyone. Ultimately to assert "I am God" is a true statement and it's truth is abetted by also knowing that it's the same for everyone. Each human is God, that is, part of the one God that is All-That-Is.

Well, I'm glad I got that out.

Blessings to all.

Shining the Light on One's Inner Being

2006-05-10T10:20:00.000-04:00

What are you avoiding facing in yourself? Where are you forcing an attitude in opposition to something unpleasant in yourself? Save yourself the trouble and face it now. Don't let it become some unconscious transformation which you unwittingly become in the future for all to see. Search yourself for any trace of denial and have the courage to come clean with yourself NOW. That way your being remains fresh and doesn't have residues of the past hanging around.

I say this as much for me as I do for you. Doing this is a constant endeavor and tricky. It's easy for one to blind oneself to something in some way. Keeping the light shining on one's inner being is challenging but rewarding, in that one knows oneself thoroughly.

I wonder how many people are attracted to or familiar (in practice) with an idea like this. When I first heard of this, I feel in love with the idea put into practice and I realized I had already been doing it. It was in line with my nature to be aware of my inner being. It may be obvious and natural to many people, but it may not have been pointed out and clarified to some. Some extroverted people may be completely oblivious to this and may struggle to understand it or see its importance. Their outward-based approach to like is completely different.

Here's to your remaining clear in your being!

Blazing Intensity

2006-05-08T07:50:00.000-04:00

It's another day and it's great to be alive! The sun's so bright coming through my window here that I had to lower the blinds, things are that blazingly intense. Hey, why diminish the intensity? I've just put up the blinds. When I put them down, mysteriously I lost having anything to say. I was stumped. Now I'm humming along just fine with the sun's light bearing down on me. It's not like it's going to harm me. I have my drink next to me - I'm not going to dehydrate. I'm looking into the computer screen - I'm not going to go blind. It's 7:18 AM - I'm not going to get a sun burn. I almost blocked out the brilliance that was raining down on me

Isn't it funny how we tend to diminish our full blazing selves to conform to others who we have no reason to try to be like, afraid to stand out as our own unique, amazing selves? I say we, but this may not apply to you, who may be fully willing to let your light shine freely and uninhibitedly. I, however, still struggle with saying what I have to say some of the time, concerned about making someone else feel threatened in some way by my truth. This may not be necessary or the others' unpleasant response may me exactly right for the situation. I may be making too much out of a small situation, perhaps reading wrongly into another's facial gestures or body language. But still, often I feel threatened by their disoncerting response however minimal. There's a sense of fear, not love. What can this be but a mirror of the fear I have in expressing myself? Find the love for my own manifestations deep down, through and through and there will likely be peace when I speak from myself. Well, I'll have to work on this. Or throw myself into others' fear and see what happens.

The World as Mirror

2006-05-07T09:28:00.000-04:00

The previous post was an odd one for me, a little change. Good. Change is good. I have been writing this blog for two and a half months and I wanted a little change. Can I keep this going forever? For years? Why bother with those questions? It's just one post at a time, one day at a time. Will I get regular readers? If I offer something that is valuable to people. How do I know what is valuable to people? That may be hard to know. The perception of what is valuable may vary from person to person. For example, I am listening to the guitar playing of Andres Segovia, which seems to reflect some of my values and so has the perception of being valuable. Someone else may see value in something else and may be unmoved by this. I'm speculating here. I'm guessing. I'm imagining someone who doesn't find this music valuable. What I'm getting at is that anyone who find value in this writing of mine must value something in themselves that this reflects back to them. This might reflect something that the person doesn't value and so they would not find it worthwhile to read.

I love the idea I just described. The the world is a mirror, which reflects back to us ourselves. If we like what we see, it just means that it reflects what we like in ourselves and vice versa. The trick for me is to claim the positive mirrors as my own, rather than put them on a pedestal and unconsciously see them as outside of me. The same with the mirrors of things that I don't like. I must own what they reflect as my own. Beautiful!! In this, the world is neutral and a source of great revelation.

I have written before about his idea and I'll probably write about it again, I love it so.

Hello

2006-05-07T09:13:00.000-04:00

Hello. How is everybody doing? Thank you for reading my blog. It's nice to have you here.

I am wanting to present ideas that can clarify things that you already know and mirror them back to you so you can see them clearly. As I write, I wait for something to become apparent to me as a thought and I write it down. You can do the same. You don't have to know where you are going. It's all a movement in the present moment of time.

What do you want to do? Is it good?

There, that is all I wanted to do.
**************************************************************************************

Openness

2006-05-06T09:32:00.000-04:00

It's the second day I have worn shorts and I feel great. This is another great day to be alive and to be writing this blog. It's a mostly sunny day and I feel well rested after sleeping later than I intended. I'm glad to get working on this right away, after showering and getting dressed and brewing my coffee. The burden that meditation had become as the first thing I did on any particular day is gone. Now I start with action and vigor by doing this. In a way this is a form of meditation. I bring the sense of inner awareness and attention to the present to this. Perhaps there was something that I had to pass through in my meditation that I will have to get back to to be complete, maybe not. I'm glad to forget about it as a day starter. Anyway, all life is a meditation. I don't need to sit down and close my eyes for twenty minutes to be aware of what is. I did that for eight years and had read Krishnamurti starting 18 years before that, who had a more whole approach to meditation, which had made an impression on me. He didn't recommend the sit down and meditate and then forget it approach. That separates meditation from the rest of the day. He wouldn't go there at all and that is how I was living (making the act of living a meditation) until I started reading authors who advocated meditation as a thing you do for a certain time during the day. It seems that I went backwards, due to the constant urging to meditate that so many authors said. None of them saw meditation as something that was a way of life, which it was for me. I always felt a little dumb sitting in meditation because of that backsliding ("I'll sit and be aware after being aware in the living of my life for many years).

So, I've replaced my sitting in meditation with writing this blog as what I do to start the day. This feels good. I imagine this to be something that gives something to the world, which is an exciting thought. I realize that this writing is mostly about myself. What better way to give than by telling one's story?

So, where am I going to go from here? What direction shall I take? After putting up a counter on my blog, I see that a few people do check this out. It's comforting to know that some people are at least glancing at this (and possibly reading this). To be honest, I do feel an insecurity here. I've always been an introverted person who doesn't generally advertise his innermost thoughts to the world. But that is changing. I surprised myself with what I told to my therapist yesterday about my inner life. I wonder if it threatened his world view at all? I told about a telepathic experience I had and other unusual perceptional experiences that I have lived with for years but no one really knows about. I also revealed some less than savory inclinations in my personal interactions. Probably, I am making more of this than needs to be made, but I'm not sure. They might have been jarring to him. I was being completely open and if you can't be open with your therapist, who can you be?? But, people have their personal reactions to things and that goes for therapists, too.

I have been exploring making openness one of the dominant values in my life. Is there a good reason not to be completely transparent? I can be open and let the chips fall where they may. The outcomes of doing this are valuable and are a reflection of myself and so are instructive about what I am creating and who I am. This is a comforting thought - to know that my experience is basically attracted by and created by me. I need not be afraid of what I find in my world - it's a mirror of what's within.

Love and peace-

Everything is Perfect and Going As It Should Be

2006-05-04T08:29:00.000-04:00

Hopefully, the last post on "Authentic Expression" will be the last. Hopefully, it did it's work to purify my blog and things will be pure, honest and from the heart from here on in. Gee, that's something to live up to, but it's what I want.

I feel alert and calm as I sit here writing this. There is simple, soothing classical music in iTunes, from WCPE, an internet radio station. There that seems straightforward. I can feel the pure, honest police poised to arrest me if I do something less than that. I feel as though I've put on a straight jacket (a loose one). Well, here we go... Well... What do I say... I want to pack it up and not write today - no ideas. Oh, come on, there's always ideas. I've thought about transferring my blog to LiveJournal. They seem to have a more interesting way to connect with other bloggers. It's Live"Journal", which sound like it's more conducive to this kind of journalistic writing. That could mean that I would be just one pea in a pod there. Over there, there are categories of journal in which to put yourself, which might lead more like-minded people to your blog. There are community journals and there's a place to put your mood and what you are listening too currently built in to the posts. Unfortunately there is no convenient way to import this blog into there system, apart from using copy and paste for individual entries. Well, I have forty or so so far, so that's doable, if time consuming. So, will I make the change?

I find the idea interesting that what I'm doing here is not simply the work of an unconnected being. This is being written by someone who is a connected part of All That Is. This is the universe writing to itself in the form of this blog. Any reader that comes upon this has in some way attracted it into his/her life with the vibration they send out. Other consciousnessess have participated in the creation of these posts with their thoughts and desires. Nothing here is a surprise to anyone's soul. And my thoughts and desires have created my experience here at blogger.com. Everything is perfect and going as it should be. And that is all.

Authentic Expression, Part 3

2006-05-03T06:23:00.000-04:00

In spite of previous posts exploring the difference between authentic expression and expressing others' ideas, I realize that I haven't gotten to the point of writing what is totally true for me, without including others' ideas that I haven't internalized. This makes sense, as part the tendency for me in reading is to scope out those ideas, those nuggets that seem to me, at the moment of reading, to encapsulate some vital truth. This is what I have done for years. But I haven't taken the second step of trying the ideas out for myself and experiencing them to see whether they are my truth. So, unfortunately, in some of these posts, I have regurgitated some undigested ideas that just strike me on the surface as being true. This might be due to the author of the ideas believing they are true. Often these ideas are very high ideas that seem to expound on some deep mystery of existence. I suppose I am putting a crimp in my style by demanding that every idea I write be true for me, but isn't that what would be more honest?

One idea that I came upon yesterday was the idea that people don't need to be told the wise ideas - they already know them. What they can benefit from is the personal story of one who demonstrates them in the living of their life. That can be far more useful. That is because there is plenty of wisdom out there, but fewer people who are living it. A living example is the best teacher. Actually, I already knew that and have been basically trying to live that out here, but I haven't succeeded 100%. If anyone who has been reading this has felt that they have been imposed upon by undigested ideas, I apologize. I don't want to participate in the process of a follower (me, in that case) leading other followers by doing this. Obviously, I'm struggling with this and am not sure I can get out of it. Maybe it would be better for me to relax and not worry so much about being totally authentic. But, I feel a responsibility to my readers to do so. Any feedback on this issue would be welcome. I feel like I'm trying to change the habits of a lifetime here and possibly trying to do something I'm unable to do yet. I will.

I'd be willing to bet that many people don't concern themselves with this issue, being content to parrot others' ideas as their own. Perhaps... I won't speculate on others' issues, who I don't know. That would be a projection of my shadow, which has now become the person who parrots others' ideas as their own.

Boy, it seems that I'm putting all sorts of restraints on myself here. I'm trying to not do anything wrong, not to make a mistake. Interesting...

Maybe I'd better come to terms with this. It's affecting my spontaneity. What if I credit where I got the idea I'm using, if it's another's. There, that would have more integrity. However, it would still put a crimp in my style. But, it's a necessary one at this point if I'm so concerned with presenting myself as authentically as possible. Does anybody care about this? I do.

In truth and love.

Living a Life of Purpose

2006-05-01T08:59:00.000-04:00

I wish I had a clearly defined purpose, which I adhered to closely in the living of my life. I have defined for myself a purpose, yet I'm wishy-washy about devoting myself diligently to fulfilling it. Sometimes I wonder why I chose that particular purpose, which I did, after much thought. This is what I chose: "Through being peace, love and wisdom, I will form/create songs, entertain and inspire people to live magnificently, so they can experience clarity of purpose and great fulfillment of their potential." Sometimes I change it to "so I can experience clarity of purpose and great fulfillment of my potential." (The altruistic element sometimes feels hard to swallow.) To be honest, I haven't written any songs in many months, although I have been entertaining regularly. Regarding "inspiring people to live magnificently," I don't see myself as deliberately doing that and am not sure how I can do that. When the idea for doing this blog came along, it seemed to derail the purpose, although I love writing, so probably that should be included in the purpose I decide upon. Perhaps the "peace, love and wisdom" element gets played out here. I could also be said that that element gets played out in my performances in an embryonic way. It's probably time to recommit to my purpose and alter it to suit myself better, if needed.

I believe that when one has and lives out an inspiring (to oneself) self-chosen purpose, one lives at a high, rich level and breaks out of ordinary living. One becomes an powerful force of nature and breaks out of the limitations one may have accepted in the past. But this will only happen with a firm commitment. Of course, as I live with my self-chosen purpose, I may reconsider this belief, as first-hand experience comes.

May you have clarity of purpose and fulfill your great potential!

Self-centered Concerns About Others

2006-04-30T11:11:00.000-04:00

Is this blog approach hurting me in some way? What I mean is, the blog focuses entirely on my own experience, largely my inner world. Is my inner process so valuable to others? I like to tell myself that the things I write about are useful to others, because I am a human being and have things in common with others, so my particular experiences are not particular only to me. It seems important that what I'm doing be not just for me but for others. Maybe this doesn't have to be done in a conscious, deliberate way. I mean, I can imagine ways that this could be good for others, but I don't really know how this gets through to others. The ways I imagine are useful might not be the case, but unknown ways might be meaningful to others. However, what if this was not useful in any way to others, but only gave me the satisfaction of writing it? That's possible, but, I believe, unlikely. What gives me satisfaction must by it's very nature good for others. What's good for me is good for others. That's just the way things work. It's not possible for something to be good for one person in isolation. We are all connected, one.

It's also unlikely that what I write here is solely related to me and me alone just because I happen to think of it sitting in a room alone. Once again, we are all one. There may be a part of me that knows who is going to read this and writes accordingly, but always in line with my own agenda too. Things interweave in complex and surprising ways. That's why I wish others would leave more comments to these posts. It would be interesting to me so know in some way who is reading this out there in cyberspace and the effect it has on them and also to get input from the vast, particular, yet connected minds out in the world. I'm not as anguished about this as I was in the beginning of this blog. I'm content to do what I do and let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps, I'm making a mistake thinking that others are in the least interested in what I'm doing here. I won't ruminate on the unknown to much. If there is something better I can do with my writing self, which there may be, hopefully I'll know about it in some way. The thing that concerns me is that people may not see how this blog concerns them, that there is anything in it for them and so is worth their time to read.

I know this is brilliantly clear writing coming from personal slant that is authentic and different, written by a great person. There, I'm telling you. Just in case it eluded you or your focus was on other things. You may never encounter this take on life again, so think carefully before you click to some other web page. You may want to delve a little deeper into this, for your own sake. And if not, God bless you, great soul. Peace be with you on your journey through time. Creation awaits.

Burning Down the House

2006-04-29T08:16:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting her in ecstasy on this new morning with my coffee and Segovia on iTunes. This is going to be a great session! I don't know what I will go into yet, but neither did Keith Jarrett when he performed his spontaneously composed piano concerts. Isn't life like that? Often you just go along spontaneously composing your life in the moment. Even without planning, life happens anyway. So, what purpose has planning in living. It's a way to circumvent the spontaneity inherent in life by working out a form for living sometime in the future, when one will dampen one's spontaneity in favor of what one has "composed" in the past. Something is being missed in that. It's a lack of trust that what's needed will be there, instead believing in fear's self-enclosed message. But, that's not necessary if one gets the message that one has whatever one needs at all times. Need is an illusion. I haven't planned this post, yet the words are there, whenever I need them. I have the computer I need and the blogger.com web site to do this blog. I have the coffee to make this a comfortable experience. I have a chair to sit in and the background music to help along the sense of beauty. I have the hands and fingers I need to type this and I have a quiet space to write in. Everything is taken care of! Worrying is totally unnecessary. It's just write and write, because I call it forth from an abundant universe, which supplies my every need. I can allow this or I can not allow it. That's all. It will still be there if I don't allow it, but I won't experience it. But, now there's no reason to focus on that, because I am in a state of allowing. Oh, happiness and bliss! Everything is right! Right on! Hallelujah!

I'll start a new paragraph because of the height of the ending of the last one. Where could I have gone from there? More of the same, I suppose. I cut myself short. I wonder why. Fear of the sublime? Oh, well, it's a new moment now. What's the truth now? A more level state of being. How can this be of use to you? I don't need to worry about that. I'll just focus on my truth and let the chips fall where they may. Being real is the same as being loving. How can someone be real if they aren't in a state of attunement to the moment and thus in a state of love, which is attention?

I have a creativity workshop to go to at 11:00 AM today, which, I suppose, I am priming myself for right now, by going deep into the present moment and reaching for the riches in it - just like Keith Jarrett! It's interesting how most musicians play preplanned music, rarely tapping into the universal well to support them in their music making. Sure, the is some improvisation in a lot of music, but it's often within a preplanned structure. The Talking Heads song title, "Burning Down the House," seemed a great image to encapsulate what I'm talking about here. The house is the preplanned structure and the lyric says, "I'm an ordinary guy, Burning Down the House." So, he's getting in touch with living without the house (preplanned structure) to protect him from the universal elements. Is there a need to? It's an adventure in living - living in complete trust in the universe. Of course, the structure may be useful to the universe as being something to use as a medium. God can make use of anything through which to work, so maybe it's not so essential to "burn down the house." There might be something important there, which I am, in my exuberance, glossing over. Without the house, one could go insane, perhaps. One might have a hard time communicating with others. Who knows? If one has burned down the house, others might get uncomfortable in one's presence, because they sense that what they rely on so dearly has been abandoned as unnecessary. Their frameworks would crumble and that could be too much for them and could lead to violence as they fight to hold on to what they believe they need for survival. And then there are those who live in love...

Creating My Experience

2006-04-28T09:21:00.000-04:00

I have a lot of e-mail but I'm going to get down to writing this post first. An unusually high number of them await - 14, but that's because I didn't check it yesterday because I had to be out of the house early. I had a gig, performing at a nursing home. It went well. I felt myself adjusting the musical intensity I put out to resonate with the vibration of the audience. I felt in control and the sound from the P.A. was very good. I could hear myself very clearly. That always makes for an enjoyable experience. I can't attribute this solely to the P.A. I had prepared for this performance by filling my mind with positive thoughts, intentions and spoken affirmations about myself, my performances and my musical skills. I also put a lot of care into the songs of my set. Because of this inner work, I created something enjoyable. Things don't just happen randomly to us. We create our experience. Ultimately, no one is a victim. A "victim" is just someone who doesn't know that or how they are creating their experience. So, the trick is to master the tools of creation - thought, word and deed - and use them consciously, not unconsciously. I know this can mean a shift for some people, who believe they are at the mercy of circumstances. I, too, am still learning how I am the creator of my reality and strive to see the inner causes of my experience. It's not always obvious.

I'm glad I know about this, so I can fashion my reality as I choose. Interestingly, for me, making the choices isn't always easy for me. However, I'm getting used being a bold creator.

Happy creating!

Giving

2006-04-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

What can I give? What am I giving? Does what I give come solely from me or am I part of a larger process? As a musical performer does my performance come from me or through me? If I am part of an infinitely abundant universe of which I am a part, can "my" giving be endless? Can my giving be endless if the one I give to is closed to what is being given, i.e. is there a need for what's given to be received for the process to continue? How does one acquire something to give... From without or from within? Or is one already what one would give? Can one give before one has been given to, by oneself or another?

I ask these questions because I am working on being more of a giver in my life and because it doesn't seem to come naturally to me. I had a mother who was a massive giver, and I, growing up, was the polar opposite, giving little, but receiving much. Since my mother's death, I have sought to be more of a giver. The energy of my mom's giving has been embraced by me rather than being resisted. I all comes down to defining oneself as one who "has," and thus can afford to give. Until I realized that I had, it was hard to think of myself giving. There are actually many ways that I am inexhaustible, so I feel comfortable giving (some of the time). I have come to really like the idea of giving as an expression of a belief in my abundance (the abundance of the universe or God of which I am a connected part). That is what I wanted to say.

I have been enjoying writing this entry. It has been an expression of a state of abundance, as I wrote one statement, waited a bit, and another sentence would appear in my mind and I would write it. Simply going with the flow of things and the miracle of the appearing ideas. Just ease. I hope this reaches the people it is supposed to and they benefit, if that is anyone. Funny, now that I have become conscious of the process, I'm becoming more self-conscious and things are going less smoothly - more second-guessing of myself/the universe through me.

Wayne Dyer talks about getting into a state of love and having books pour through him. I'm pretty amazed that I can write this blog most days and have the ideas be there. It's quite remarkable, to me. Magic! I guess I've got the channel open. Everyone can do this to some extent, in some form, whether it be talking, producing some kind of work, doing some form of artistic expression, etc. I'm glad I have this. I wish I could bring this to the work of songwriting more often.

Wishing you abundant giving!

Proper Relationship (?)

2006-04-25T10:05:00.000-04:00

How to live with oneself... What is a good way to maintain a good relationship with oneself? I seek to do this by being sure to not repress anything in myself. I allow it to be and acknowledge it as part of me. I avoid the psychological violence involved in repression. That doesn't mean I don't engage in the redirection of my attention away from things I don't want to be part of my focus. This seems to me to be a fundamental issue of life - how to deal with the many things that arise in oneself. My psyche is constantly challenging me to respond skillfully to what arises. Of course, one is also challenged to respond skillfully to what occurs outside of one. In this, too, I believe that repression is not the way. Whatever happens, I can take an allowing attitude and attempt to see and understand whatever is presenting itself. When something happens that is outside of the pattern which I expect, instead of the lazy, violent (spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically) way of repression, which precludes understanding and attempts to preserve the limits of my current world view, I can adopt an attitude of curiosity and open-mindedness and really attempt to see what's going on with a fresh mind, uncontaminated by the old thought pattern. This, to me, seems to be a proper way to engage in relationship.

As I sit pondering what I've just written, I realize that things are not as clear to me as I have just presented. There are a variety of approaches that one can take to relationship. I have described a way I learned from the spiritual speaker/author Jiddu Krishnamurti many years back. I imbibed his work with lots of diligence for a long while and it is still strong in my mind as an ideal. Of course, the process of relationship is a living thing and I realize that I use several ways in it. To elaborate them here seems beyond me right now. Why bother? Am I a relationship expert? My current relationships are basically easy. Well, that says something. I have avoided entering relationships when I can in my life. And I have screwed up some short-term relationships in the past, mostly when I have departed from a passive, observational approach and went to an active, asssertional approach. That didn't work for me in certain situations. Now, that approach is getting easier. Good.

Living With Feelings

2006-04-24T06:03:00.000-04:00

Here we go again! I was particularly pleased with the writing of yesterday's post. It flowed easily, perhaps because I drank two cups of coffee during the writing of it. I tried going caffeine free a month or two back and drank herb tea during the writing of this blog, but I tried a cup of coffee at a lunch spot, which led to another and experienced the most wonderfully clear and expansive state for an hour or so. Of course, I know that coffee can do that to me. I stopped because I wanted to be sure I wasn't addicted. Well, I was caffeine free for a while and now I'm back. The mistake is to think that the coffee is the source of the energy I feel when drinking it. That energy comes from the God within. Coffee has a bad side, aside from it's potentially addictive quality. It creates stains on one's teeth unless one brushes very regularly with a stain removing toothpaste. Interestingly, I only started experiencing that side effect over the last few years even though I had drank coffee regularly before that. My dental hygienist got me to buy a power toothbrush with sonic technology and convinced me to brush twice a day to ameliorate the condition and that has done so pretty well.

Any kind of addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. So says author Eckhart Tolle. One develops the addiction by being unwilling to clearly face one's emotional (or physical) pain and finding a way to do so. Ultimately, the pain needs to be experienced for one to be whole and one finally gets that truth after trying to get away from it unsuccessfully throughout the course of the addiction. It's easy to chase after good feelings, but doing so may be futile without embracing all of what one is feeling. I have been incorporating this understanding into the way I live with myself lately. Simply by acknowledging all of what I am feeling, I can experience the full range of what it is the be me in the wholeness of my humanity, not just some "ideal" state. How refreshing! I don't always have to contrive to be feeling high and powerful if I don't feel that way. If I don't, it means there are other elements of myself that need to be acknowledged and accepted as being part of me also. I believe this is a more sound and holistic way to live.

So, the next question I have is: When one experiences feelings within oneself that one has avoided for one reason or another, what is one to do - simply face them with clear eyed awareness without the interference of thought, or use well-chosen thoughts to bring relief from them? I use both these methods and I'm deciding which one works better for me. I'd be curious how other people deal with this issue. I find that although some people recommend simply bring awareness to feelings that feel bad with the prospect that doing so will change them into something else, I find that this isn't always the case. Some feelings seem to be stuck and need some other encouragement for them to pass, like expressing them using thought emerging directly from the feeling. But coming up with the right thoughts is often difficult. Anyway, I'm exploring this issue in my life nowadays. Probably there is no one right way for all people and situations that one may find oneself in. It must take a good feel for the particular situation or person.

Emotional well-being to all!

The Process of Creating Oneself

2006-04-23T14:36:00.000-04:00

Well, it's another day of writing this blog. Once again, I have Segovia playing. His music gets be in the mood to do this. It's like a little ritual. I wonder if people reading this type of beginning to my post many times think that every entry in the same. I often start the same way, just to get myself going. Just a few words on the page release the rest of the post, which generally flows easily once I'm started. Usually, by this time I've gotten hold of some bit of wisdom that I can express, but in the last few posts, I've become aware that that stuff could just be regurgitated material I've absorbed from books or speakers. So, I've sort of dampened down on that and my posts are changing somewhat. What have I done? I've cramped my style. Oh well, things are progressing anyway. I've released the need to perform and am just content to write freely without thinking overtly about an audience who needs to benefit from this. Perhaps this is more authentic, which is what I was concerned about several posts ago.

On the other hand, this might be less attractive to others and might continue the sense of doing this anonymously, which is fine. What I really love is the writing as a process in itself. I can let the chips fall where they may as far as who reads this and where it ends up ultimately.

I asked myself who I really knew myself to be, in so far as how I would want to experience myself in living. The answer was one I had thought of before - clarity. I am clarity and that is what I love to experience myself as as I write this blog (and write generally). I've known this about myself for a while and, in this, I'm living out an old conception of myself. To be honest, when I ask myself what I know myself to be, the answer isn't always apparent. I'm being all sorts of things (I think) but I'm not sure if I imagined myself to be them before I started to embody them. It's more like I realized after the fact that I was being something by observing myself. I'm not sure if that's how it's supposed to work. Supposedly, everything that exists in the world first existed as thought (including us and our qualities) so anything I've experienced myself being must have been conceived first. Perhaps, I haven't always been aware of the process as it actually occurs, but have, in action, glimpsed parts of it only. Or, I could say that the idea that everything first exists as thought could be inaccurate. I haven't devotedly studied the process of manifestation yet, so I'm not sure. I'll withhold judgment. But, to be honest, I am committed to watching the whole process in action and seeing how it really works. But, I'll go along with what I have seen and continue to experience myself as clarity. Interestingly, who I am being, is simply an artistic process of creation. I'm tending to be cautious as I learn more about that process. I realize that I'm tending to see how the process of creation happens in line with the ideas put forth by the beings I've read. I want to see the process work as described and it's somewhat dimly seen, in my experience. But, it's ultimately what life is about, I suppose.

I'm glad I have this opportunity to explore all this and express it at the same time.

I'm aware that people might not have the foggiest notion of what I'm writing about in this post. I've alluded to things that I haven't clearly laid out. I've taken for granted understandings that others might not have. This has been a problem for me when I speak. Much of the time I feel that I mystify people. In fact, when I think I'm being the clearest, is when I wonder if I lose people. On the other hand, what I've written about in this post might be immediately understood by some people - the process of first conceiving/knowing who one is, then using the mind to create it in one's experience, and then experiencing it in the physical. Or, the stuff surrounding that idea might be the clearest, as that is the most authentic to me.

Wishing you well in the creative process that is Life.

Trusting Oneself

2006-04-22T08:36:00.000-04:00

Is it possible to be a good teacher? How many teachers simply impose what they know onto one rather than draw out what one already knows? Certainly there are plenty of people with a lot of knowledge and know-how, who, presumably can be useful in some way, but they won't be useful if they are just concerned about themselves and imposing what they know. Is life about adopting another's experience as one's own, or is it about finding and deciding on one's own truth? I think the latter. But there are so many people who think it is their job to think for one, decide for one. How many times do people say, "I trust you to make your own decisions, to live your life as you choose," and bless you as you do so? Maybe you are someone who does hear these sentiments in your life. If you are, I want to know about it. Maybe I'm getting too picky. After all, in most of my life I'm free to live independently of others' input, but that seems to be mostly by accident. It's just that no one's around. Then there are the situations where those gratuitously advising people are there sending the message that I don't know how to live my life and it would be better to listen to them or someone else. I am in my own private revolution around this issue. I can't be with people who deny or don't see who I am when relating with me. I make sure they see me, as best as I am able. Even if one asserts one's presence, it doesn't mean the other is really taking one in. Some people don't care or even know about giving the other attention as a relationship skill.

Here I am, complaining. What have I become, someone who fills the world with what he doesn't want by complaining about it. That's a sure way to keep it in my space. So what do I want? To be around people who trust in my wisdom of my soul. And how can I get that? By me firmly trusting in my own wisdom in the living of my life and saying, "Thanks, but no thanks," when people attempt to impose their ways on me. This should be easy enough if I'm clear about this. I should be able to drop the habits of a lifetime, which say I don't know enough. And I need to be willing to allow what I want into my life and recognize it when it shows up. Now that I am clear about this, the problem may fall away by itself, and it has been. If it doesn't, it must mean that on some level I'm attracting it into my life still, by the vibration I'm offering. I can clear that up by doing no more complaining about the problem or focusing on it in any way, I believe, and by giving myself what I want - the sure respect for the ability to make my own choices. I can even bless the people who've brought me to this clarity by their impositional behaviors. They've led me to my own truth and forced me to come to terms with it by creating an intolerable situation. Don't they know what they are doing, or am I alone in my position in a world of gratuitous advisors. Aren't there plenty of people who are willing to say no to people who are deliberately (or not) pulling people away from their innate wisdom in the guise of giving help?

Independent choicemakers unite!

The Critic

2006-04-21T08:37:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that some people delight in finding fault with others or with making others wrong? Too much of this kind of thing drains out energy and lowers our morale. Who can undergo this kind of treatment and remain unshaken? Although our culture supports the notion that one must be perfect or nothing, we can keep in our knowing that even if we do make are mistake or are wrong, it doesn't mean we are a louse. We are not our manifestations and our mind is not the sum total of who we are, unlike the beliefs of these kind of critics. Ultimately, it comes down to our knowing that the behaviors of these kind of people are not the absolute truth and are even fallible, which they try to cover up with their manner and exclusive focus on others' shortcomings. Would that they shined their light as scrupulously on themselves and allowed others to live their lives without interfering.

Smooth and Flowing

2006-04-19T09:11:00.000-04:00

What do I have to impart today? I'm sitting here, as is my wont, with the album The Art of Segovia by classical guitarist Andres Segovia playing in the background. A perfect album to write to - it creates a perfect aura of peace and beauty to couch what I'm doing here. I have some decaffeinated green tea beside me to soothe me as I go. I see outside my window a cloudy sky with a bit of clear sky at the horizon. Also see a tree with small blooms of clusters of leaves on it's branches and the light gray, neatly tiled roof of the house next door. I see the small thin green leaved plant on my window sill, which I have kept alive for the last few months, after a neighbor gave it to me. Next to it lies the glistening gold colored heart, which I purchased from the rocks and crystals section of a New Age book store. And, next to that is the small blue clay head I sculpted as a teenager in summer camp around thirty years ago.

It's amazing the amount of creativity I expressed as a youth relative to now. Now, I've (unintentionally) limited myself to a few songs written, and a few violin parts composed to accompany the cover songs I do. Oh, and I've written some poetry over my adult years, so I guess there hasn't been a complete dearth of artistic expression of late. Recently, I had decided that I wanted to devote myself to songwriting more seriously. I didn't get myself to sit down and do it and then the idea for doing a blog came along and I took it. In a way this gets some creative energy directed in to form. This is what I look forward to to express myself and it's pretty satisfying, but ideas here could be diverting songwriting ideas and energy. This comes more naturally to me now, as I've been writing in my journal a lot before this. I'm primed to write self-reflective prose. However, I wish I was writing more songs/music.

This post seems to be a bit more smooth and flowing than the last two, which were concerned fastidiously with keeping myself from regurgitating what I had read or heard. I've kept this post simpler and more in line with what I know for sure. More authentic, I think. No breaks into the "wise jive." So, is the theme for this blog kaput? For today, perhaps. We shall see where this blog goes in the future. Hopefully, it shall provide the same relaxation, peace and contentment that this post has.

Peace-

Authentic Expression, Part 2

2006-04-18T09:10:00.000-04:00

Here I am, back at it after yesterday's breakdown due to not being sure if what I was writing was completely authentic, my own. I'll trust that the process happens as it must and go on, knowing that I'm not the same person I was yesterday. Every day is new and I'm always in flux, so I'm not going to be fastidious about what I write, checking and checking again if it's my own. Maybe that's not so important. To draw a dividing line between what's my own and what's another's is probably futile. After all, experience isn't all that one can rely on to be true for one. One comes into this life knowing all that one really needs to know and others and their ideas can be reminders of what one has forgotten in the process of incarnation. Doesn't that sound nice? Do I really know that? To me, it has the ring of truth. I can go into my memory and look for experience to back that up, or I can live with the feeling of truth it inspires. Hmm...

Yesterday, I overheard a conversation while waiting at a bus between two people and one person said to the other, "You don't learn from reading books, you learn from life." He sounded like he really knew what he was talking about and it certainly is a common platitude. So what am I learning from writing this blog? I'm learning that I'm not 100% sure that the content of it is purely authentic. And I'm learning that few people are motivated to leave comments here and I'm not sure who's reading this. Am I doomed to anonymity? Do people get that although I'm writing about my process, that there may be things to be gotten from my perusal of it. Of course, I may be wrong about that - that people can benefit from reading me is a belief, a belief I'll hold on to. If I believed that people couldn't benefit from reading this, the blog would change - I think for the worse, but I could be wrong. If I'm trying to write things that are beneficial, I might be engaged in something that could diminish the authenticity here. If the truth is that I have nothing to offer, that could be the starting point of a greater level of truth. (Notice how I engage in theoretical speculation!) What is my truth here? I like writing. I like following the flows of thoughts and putting them down of the page. I feel content as I do this. I feel at peace and unified - my energy is wholly devoted to what I'm doing. So, that's a good sign, I think.

Peace and good will to all.

Authentic Expression

2006-04-17T08:26:00.000-04:00

Well. It's cloudy today in Arlington. I've realized that all that I write in this blog is not solely my ideas based on my truth, but others' ideas filtered through my mind. They are ideas that I haven't come to through my own experience. But, due to all the reading and listening I've done, I'm not sure I can help it. I have tried to write from my own experience from the start, in fact I've written in the first person much of the time to make sure to myself that I wasn't just writing abstract, undigested wisdom. Perhaps, I was shooting myself in the foot by doing this, but I've run into people who don't respond well to impersonal wisdom given in the abstract, they need to know it's one's own personal experience. And I realized from these experiences that I was simply giving the ideas that I had read that "seemed" right to me, probably because the person who wrote it seemed to know what they were talking about. So, now I'm in a quandary about what I really know and what I don't. There have been so many books and audio programs...

So, what have all these books and audio programs taught me of value? Some of the ideas have stuck and others have fallen away. Some I have used and some I haven't. Some have proved useful and others haven't worked. Some I have loved right away but have proved difficult to make use of. So, what's been the point? Occasionally, I can express something using one of the ideas to others, but mostly the ideas stay in my head (except on journaling or blogging). One teaches best by example, not through exhorting others to learn. (There's an idea picked up from someone else, and interestingly it's in the form of exhortation not example. I'm glad I caught myself. The teacher of undigested ideas was feeling pressured to justify itself. If I believed in teaching by example, I would, and I wouldn't talk about teaching by example. (Am I driving myself nuts with this detail?)) Probably, people wouldn't have noticed this dynamic had I not brought it up in this post, but possibly they would have.

I think I need to relax about this. People will take what they want and ignore the rest from this. I'm under no pressure here. This is my space to write what I want. I don't think I have much of an audience.

Still, I've worked myself into a stressed out state, which I don't want to do. I'll just wish everybody a peaceful day and be on my way.

Fear - False Evidence Appearing Real

2006-04-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

I feel the fear as I begin this post. Where will this go? Will the ideas be there? I must be on the verge of a breakthrough. That's what fear usually signifies. Something is pushing me beyond a limit. I believe in not letting fear inhibit my actions and I don't really believe in fear as having much valuable information to impart. It virtually never proves true in any way as far as warning of an impending danger. The sense that fear protects one is false, in my experience. Fear is often made of memories of the past that have been painful and then in the present moment the mind flashes these images, as if they are going to recur in the present. But what that does is prevent one from meeting the present moment, which is always new, in a fresh way, which is in it's own way dangerous. But the ultimate test of fear's veracity lies in observing fear in action throughout the moments of one's life and seeing for oneself whether there's anything to it.

When experiencing fear one can look around, see what the "threat" is and see what ultimately happens. In my life the odds of fear getting it right are about 1 in 1000. But the interesting thing is that one can see what one is afraid of (if one knows) and learn about oneself. What one fears is a sign of what would be an aid in one's growth. For example, when riding buses lately I've become aware of certain people who seem to cause me to be afraid. Of course, nothing concrete ever happens that would be actually threatening. So, I ask myself, "What am I afraid of?" Mostly, I'm afraid of their addressing me in an intense way, possibly with mental instability. What am I afraid of? A connection between people. I realized that if someone addressed me with intensity, I could respond with intensity. I could do that. So, the breakthrough would for me to breakthrough the limit of my habitual soft spoken manner. I could benefit from speaking with more bold assertiveness.

In my life, I've found the acronym Fear=False Evidence Appearing Real to be true. It's funny watching people in the throes of fear believing in the threat that they imagine to be coming. I try to remind them of the above, but some people are absolutely convinced that what they fear is real. Some people are attached to holding on to fear and have fear as the basis of their approach to life. Some people reading this may never have thought to question their fears. All I can say is to observe the fear as it arises in your mind or body and see whether the fear pans out, or whether it just clouds on an otherwise clear day.

Another useful tool I have recently come across is to interpret feelings of fear as excitement. Suppose someone lets loose on me in a bus, won't that be exciting! Suppose there is a terrorist attack, won't that be exciting! Etc.

So, what was I afraid of when I started this post? The unknown direction for this blog and whether I would have ideas today. I could have given up then and there but I didn't and the fears didn't pan out at all and I managed to write about an issue that's near and dear to my heart - the unbelievability of fear.

Wishing you to live fearlessly-

Shyness and Confidence

2006-04-14T08:40:00.000-04:00

I have started getting myself out of the conundrum I have gotten myself in, alluded in the previous post. I gave information about my blog to two potential readers. Incredibly I have done little advertising about this. To be honest, I have been a little reluctant to bring friends, family and acquaintances on board. After all, this is personal kinds of stuff, a side of myself I haven't revealed to many others in my life. I guess it amounts to shyness. I've always been shy about revealing my personal self to others. However, it's the part of me that's close to who I am. But, now I'm on the world wide web with it, so I'm not that shy. Maybe what lies behind shyness is a strong belief and confidence in oneself. That's kind of what it is with me. I think how I write is pretty amazing, but, should someone be critical of it I might take it pretty hard, but that's OK because in the course of things, I have to learn to not take others' opinions of me very seriously. They are thoughts about me, but not me. Who I am is solid, unshakable, unless it is tied to a belief, which means it has to shift to something more enduring. And, if someone's opinion devastates me with their criticism, it will bring me to that more whole place. But, I'll not focus on these things anymore.

I'm glad to up this morning, writing. It's a little later than usual because I went to bed late last night due to having another gig. It went well and I made a new friend afterward, a member of the audience. He asked me for a CD to purchase, but I still have none to sell to people. Soon that will change as I have been recording songs over the past few years. Eventually, they will amount to a CD's worth of material.

On the ride home, after the gig, I thought about some artists who have audiences all over the world, and can play concerts in concert halls in all sorts of interesting, exotic sounding cities. That vision opened up for me and I enjoyed contemplating it for a while. We shall see...

The Flower's Scent Goes Either Noticed or Unnoticed

2006-04-13T11:57:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling less enthused about writing this blog in the last few days. Have I been writing into a vacuum? Are there any readers out there? Any comments, positive or negative would be welcome. Does anyone get anything out of what I write?

Yesterday I had a gig (I'm a guitarist/singer). It went pretty well.

I'm feeling the same sense of writer's block here that I've felt recently. I don't want the get my self worked up over the lack of response. After all, if there is something I want and I'm not getting it, that's a recipe for frustration. Why am I doing this? To get or to give? If I'm doing this to get, then I'm coming from a place of lack, which will create a sense of lack. If I'm doing this to give, then I'm doing this from a place of havingness. Does a flower get frustrated if no one passes by and smells it's scent? No, it's nature is to be a flower, with a scent, and is content, either noticed or unnoticed. It fulfills itself by blooming, living and eventually dying, in that particular season. That is "living the life of a flower." But, still the flower need certain basics to live and grow - sunlight, water, soil, air. Without any of these, it will surely die. So, can I keep up this endeavor without the sunlight of friendly feedback? Would I want to? Is that really necessary? Why did I start this? Like I said in my "About Me" section, I wonder who I might be writing for and hoped to find out. Well, I haven't found out, really. Two comments in close to two months. Maybe I need to reorient my approach to this blog to insure a feeling of success, whatever happens. The bottom line is I love to write. I love forming clear thoughts and transferring them to the page. I love immersing myself in the writing state, with it's poised focus and alertness for what's within to be expressed. I love perusing my inner process and the richness in it (to me). I read somewhere that twentieth century art went deep into self-consciousness. Is that what I'm doing here? Is there a danger in that of avoiding the universal element of life. If anyone noticed, I didn't go into much angst over my supposed dearth of readers. I veered into a quasi poetic/wise metaphor. I don't need to get entrenched in the doubts of existence. I can immediately apply the wisdom to get myself out of it. Is this completely honest? Is there a part of myself that is frustrated by it's inability to breathe under the weight of accumulated "wisdom"? I don't feel frustrated by the lack of feedback anymore. That's secondary to the writing which I'm doing now. This is why I'm doing this, ultimately.

Love-

Mutual Irritation

2006-04-11T09:04:00.000-04:00

Well, it happened. One of my biggest fears came true. As a musician who has lived in close proximity to others, that is, in apartment houses and rooming houses, I have always been concerned about whether my playing would bother the neighbors. After being blessed my whole adult life with neighbors who peacefully co-existed with me and my musical life, I now have a downstairs neighbor who feels bothered by the sound of my finger-picked acoustic guitar coming through his ceiling. It's not the volume, he says, it's the high fidelity. So, so far, I've agreed to certain times when I won't play but that doesn't make me feel any better. How can I play, knowing someone is irritated by what I do? It saps my verve. I feel inhibited. And he's a musician himself - a drummer (who doesn't play in the place where we live). How would he feel if he was practicing with his band and someone came along and said, "What you're doing is irritating me." Would he and his band acquiescence or would they go on with what they were doing? He's the type of guy who comes along and talks to you when he sees you, endlessly. He can't control himself or his energy. Now, I have a problem with people like this, who engage in endless monologues. I, a person who tends to be taciturn, have been besieged by people like this all my life and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of listening to other people ramble, without even asking my permission to use me as a sounding board. No one ever asks, "Do you mind if I talk to you?" before they launch into a monologue. Of course, I can't claim to be a victim here. There are things I could say that could let then know what they are doing. ("Do you realize that you've been talking for ten minutes without realizing that I'm not interested" etc.) So, what's clear is that I'm irritated by him, too. Hmm... What could this all amount to? We are each irritated by each other's output. Interestingly, here I am writing this semi-rant, for others to read. This is my monologue, but this is the place for that, I suppose. I'm free here. This is not being imposed on anyone. People come to this voluntarily and can leave as they choose.

I realize that this post is a break in the routine of my other posts. Good. I needed to break into some new terrain here.

Peace-

Authenticity

2006-04-10T08:05:00.000-04:00

What of what one writes are ideas authentic to oneself and what are ideas absorbed from others? Certainly, if one has done some reading or listening one has taken in ideas that may or may not be what one truly thinks or knows. Therefore it seems to be necessary to take some time to think about what one takes in before one adopts those ideas as one's truth. After all, another's reception of the truth may be different from our own. Truth is truth, but no human has the whole truth. We all contribute our own unique reception of it to the world and together make a more comprehensive truth. So, the reason I asked the question that started this post is mostly for myself, although it's a question that anyone may rightly ask themselves. Is what I'm writing here mine or is it a compilation of others' truths (or others' unconsidered programming from a third person or group). As I write this, ideas occur to me, which I have gleaned from others' material. Is the fact that I am personally crafting this post enough to make this my own, or is something more needed? I guess it depends on how I have lived my life. Have I considered the usefulness of what I have taken in? Certainly one is barraged by a flood of information daily. Can one consider it all? What is to stop stray unconsidered information from coming out of one's mouth or one's computer keyboard? Hopefully, awareness - awareness of oneself as one writes or speaks and the sense of whether one is living in integrity (aligned with one's truth and inner knowing) in one's expressions. I see that I can go on and on with this, but I'll leave it here.

Love-

Whole, Perfect, Complete

2006-04-09T10:17:00.000-04:00

I'm fine just as I am. Is there anything that needs to be improved in this whole, perfect, complete entity that I am? That's a comforting thought. I don't need to be constantly improving myself, just be more fully what I already am. Is that a form of self-improvement? No, the entity that I am simply needs to be realized fully. What I can do is, through awareness, clear out the thought patterns and contractions that interfere with the clear reception and embodiment of Who I Am. That's all I really wanted to say.

Love to all the whole, perfect, complete entities out there.

Knowing Who We Are

2006-04-06T08:03:00.000-04:00

I'm finally in the Google search engine. I've hit the world stage.

Gee, with that realization, I'm suddenly straining for words. The sheer weight of 6,000,000,000 people is overwhelming. Of course, that many people will not be reading this, so the pressure's off somewhat. Of course, what difference would it make if that many people did read this? I'm not ashamed of my writing. I have not directed my writing against any person or group of people with whom I might become enemies. But, that's neither here nor there. Any person who is being themselves is bound to have someone (or more than one person) who doesn't like what they're about. It's the way life is. The thing is, it doesn't matter if that's the case. I have the right to choose who I will be and others have the right to choose how they will respond (by being who they are).

Wishing all people the glory of knowing who they are.

Undefended Truth

2006-04-05T16:05:00.000-04:00

It's another day of writing this blog? What shall I say? I'm not asking anyone else to answer that, just myself. It's funny how some people, with their attitude of speaking seem to suggest that one think how they think, if they doubt what one says. What if some person makes some comment like that and I don't respond to it? Does that mean that the comment has been established as "the truth," by my lack of refutation. I generally refrain from entering into conflict and believe that the truth doesn't need defending, only illusion, like it says in A Course in Miracles, so I don't defend my views when doubted by others. This refraining from entering into conflict over points of view, does this bring peace of mind? I wrote a post early on in this blog saying that I don't need to try to make others into me - my views, beliefs, ways, etc. It would seem that by entering into that attitude within myself and not needing to change the other person's point of view within my own mind, then I can achieve peace. Yes, that was the shift I needed to make... And my inner foe relents. Yes!!!

It's said that what you resist persists. That would appear to be true in my inner world. And I'm living that out in my outer world by not resisting others' points of view when they doubt mine. Whew, this does put me into an extremely non-aggressive position to many things. Is this the way of someone who is dynamic, alive and vital or the way of someone with a peculiar passive stance? It would seem that it would be the latter. However, within that "passivity" is someone with the conviction of one who doesn't need to prove to others the truth of their being. It's taken for granted, unquestioned and sure. Any belief that I might need to defend, might be just that - a belief - and not who I am in truth.

Writing in the Dark

2006-04-04T05:45:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm up earlier than usual to start today's post. Now, with Daylight Savings Time, it's dark out and today it's raining hard. So, I use artificial light to write by. I've realized that this blog is set-up using a stock template, which I haven't altered/customized in the least. Yesterday I tried to add some links to my sidebar but proved unsuccessful in making even that little change. I thought I followed the cryptic intructions given by Blogger Help, but it wasn't enough. The template's code seems pretty unfathomable to one unversed in these things.

I've seen some bloggers who can write faithfully every day and have something to say every day. Today, I feel like I have nothing of value to impart. I have plenty of time to write, being that I started earlier than usual. Perhaps I shall stop here and possibly come back later in the day.

Enjoy the extra daylight!

Daylight Savings Time and Personal Power

2006-04-03T08:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we changed the clocks ahead and today I had a hard time getting up at my chosen time, so I'm an hour and fifteen minutes late. Does it really matter? I can just as well start writing at 7:15 AM as 6:00 AM. I have no later commitments that I have to keep that would interfere with this later start. Certainly, my computer can as well be used at this time as any other. My body is ready to go now and the ideas are flowing onto the page. The only issue is the fact that yesterday evening I had planned to start at 6:00, so I'm out of sync with my intentions, my plan didn't totally happen - I lay in bed, with the snooze button going every nine minutes, knowing I was missing the prescribed time. What happens when one doesn't fulfill one's plan? Am I weaker in some respect that I haven't fulfilled my plan to the letter? My personal power has been broken. Something else - the desire to lay in bed - has superseded my conscious intention. As a result, I'm not filled with the vim and verve that I usually feel when I start on time.

Now, I'm not going to beat myself up because of it. I'll simply note what happened, including how I feel and go on. I'll simply embrace this new moment of being, with whatever circumstances go along with it. Things are just fine. Maybe my plan to start at a certain time today impinged on something more vital, my desire for rest. In the vast course of things, does it really matter whether I started this at 6:00 or 7:15? Do trees align themselves in straight lines in the forest? No. But are they perfectly placed in the vast intention that created that forest? Yes. Look, at this post. This situation has given me the food for thought that fills it. Does anyone else have issues about whether things are going right if they don't fulfill their plans? I have explored the issue of waking up in a previous post. It will be interesting to see how this day goes after waking up the way I have. Will I do the things I want to do easily, or has the pattern of breaking my intentions been set. Of course, things are not predetermined. I have the ability to choose to live on schedule, even after the morning's happenings. We shall see.

Well, this has been a focused, somewhat nerdy examination of my morning. My wish is that your mornings are suited do your desire and that your days flow smoothly, in sync with your being and intentions.

Projection-Inner and Outer

2006-04-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

It's a cloudy day here and I've woken up later than usual, even though it's a Saturday. I intend to wake up at dawn, even on Saturday, as waking up after sleeping until all hours drains my energy and makes me less productive. The day seems more like a malaise rather than an adventure. On these types of days, my mind is a distracting force, sending up pictures of people who've interacted with me recently and interrupting my mental process. I've been experiencing this for years and I'm constantly coming up with ways to deal with these intrusions, so as to experience inner peace and clarity. This comes up mostly when I'm reading, sitting on a bus or lying in bed waiting for the night's sleep. My affinity for being productive is largely because these internal phenomenon don't occur when I'm actively involved in doing something, preferably with some physical element (typing this blog is one; the eye movement involved with reading is not enough). So, what have I learned from these internal distractions. Lately, I've realized that what is pictured in my mind is a projection of some aspect of myself that I'm avoiding facing. By simply owning the message of these "faces," I can generally get them to abate - the message is conveyed and I'm whole again. This is not as easy as one might think. The message might be something I want to strenuously resist, but if I'm honest, I can usually find it's truth underneath by consciously held beliefs and then it seems obvious. Has anyone else experienced this type of phenomenon?

Another type of "projection" sometimes occurs more in the outer world, where some other person in the physical world might inspire thoughts ostensibly about their character, traits, etc. which are more truly aspects of oneself which one refuses to own and thus pushes away from oneself onto the other. Recognizing this phenomenon in oneself takes a lot of alertness and self-honesty, but it's a great way to learn about oneself and become more whole. Probably the hardest thing about his is to realize it at all. Of course, one can project one's great qualities as well as one's worst qualities onto the other. This doesn't deny that the other actually possesses some of the qualities which one projects in some way. The way to tell a projection is often by the presence of a strong emotional element accompanying it. I hope this is clear to you and, if you already know about this, that you can bear another explanation of this common idea.

Wishing you a great day or night...

The Big Picture on Weight Loss

2006-03-31T08:36:00.000-05:00

It's going to be a warm spring day here in Arlington, MA, with the temperature going up to 72 degrees. That means that I can just wear a short sleeve shirt today. That feels good as the long sleeved button down shirt that I'm currently wearing feels tight around my shoulders and forearms, due to weight gain since I bought it, perhaps ten years ago. It's still otherwise in perfect condition. I spent a fair amount for it back then. I suppose I could also change to a more properly fitting shirt, but I won't, opting for less clothes than more.

I want to write about being overweight. (I am about twenty pounds above an "ideal" weight generated by a diet program I was on a few years back with which I lost forty five pounds.) When I look at myself naked in the mirror, I pretty much like what I see. But with this weight level, I have recently found out that my cholesterol is somewhat high, which seems to go along with increased weight. So, do these numbers matter? What do they really signify? If I look at my body as a entity separate from the whole of me, including my emotions, mind and spirit, then I'm not looking holistically and missing the whole picture. So what is the whole picture? What is the ultimate cause of weight gain or high cholesterol? I know that my body is a product of my beliefs, the literal outpicturing of them. Does this help me? What beliefs would be responsible for these conditions? Could increased size come from a belief in or desire for bigness, to take up more space in the world in some way? If that were the case this blog could become a weight reducer, as the need to expand in the world would be transferred from my body to these words. That's an interesting theory, but not one which seems to hold water as my weight hasn't gone down since February 22, the date I started doing this. What about emotional issues. Could food be a substitute for a lack of love in my life or a way to cover up uncomfortable feelings of emptiness? Not likely, as I regularly send myself loving, accepting thoughts. But is this enough? Do I practice living in a way that demonstrates my self-love in action, through acting on my intuition and expressing my feelings when called for? Hmm... That could be a problem. I tend to opt for expressing feelings to myself, rarely to others. There's a certain reticence about being completely open and truthful with others. That could be the problem. I'll encourage myself to do that more with others, hopefully when the situation seems safe.

Well, that perusal of the situation left me with an idea to use. May I use it!

Good luck on your road to complete self-attunement!

Stepping Out On One's Own

2006-03-30T06:45:00.000-05:00

Saying what people want to hear or what's really on one's mind? What if they are the same? That makes things easy, or conflict-free. To someone who is used to being a people pleaser, the distinction between the two may be difficult to fathom. One may be used to assessing the needs of others regarding what they want to hear (accurately or inaccurately) and then giving it to them. This is a way to lose oneself in relationship. But if one is afraid of stepping out one one's own and saying what one thinks, because one fears some sort of retaliation on the part of the other for being an independent, autonomous being with a mind of their own, then some work has to be done by them. Why are they afraid? Perhaps fears of childhood rejections are lodged in the subconscious. They need to realize that they are adults now, who are not as fragile as they once were and have coping skills which they can put to use in such situations. Also, in such situations and change in oneself can possibly affect the outcome, for example, adopting a confident manner and a strong belief in one's right to be oneself, even if one is wrong or inaccurate. This is what I'm currently learning.

One's Own Job to Like Oneself

2006-03-27T06:59:00.000-05:00

It's a sunny, clear morning here and I'm feeling good to up bright and early to start writing. Once again I've got Andres Segovia on my boom box to set the tone. So, what's there to say today. I'll be performing today as a guitarist/singer at a hospital, which is one of the things I do for work, and I've been preparing for several days - writing out my set list in days in advance and exploring ideas for what to say between songs, even buying a new shirt to wear. So, why do I do these things? Somehow, it feels more important than ever to make a concerted effort for the people I will be playing for. By doing these things I will feel more confident, hopefully than I have been in the recent past. My last gig was also at a hospital for people on a locked ward and their immobility as a audience did shake me a bit. Was I getting through in some way? Did people like it? Did they not like it? All pretty much a mystery. This gig could be similar. Of course, it's always nice to play for a quiet, attentive audience. And , of course, it's not anyone else's job to like me. They are free to have their own reaction. The important thing is did I like me? That may be more the issue. I felt uncomfortable with how I was standing. There was a audio cord I thought was in my way and I didn't want to step on it and cause problems. Rather than clear up the problem I endured it without finding physical ease in my stance. So, in a way I didn't like the way I presented myself so much. Well, I'll be sure to make a note of that issue on today's gig. One of the things I've practiced for this gig is assuming a comfortable physical position for playing that I will be sure to get into. Well, you live and learn. I'll never make that mistake again. And another thing is that if I'm not sure if an audience likes me, it's probably a projection of how I feel about myself. If I like myself, the audience will like me, or at the very least I'll believe they do and it will matter less if they don't.

Once again, I feel good and I'm looking forward to an enjoyable gig with my new found knowledge that I will put into practice.

Wishing you a joyous rest of the day.

Feelings-Healing Oneself First

2006-03-25T07:27:00.001-05:00

It's a great new day and I'm ready to go! Why? I started the day with an energetic affirmation and expressions of gratitude. I also let myself slip a little past my scheduled starting time that enabled me to get a few more moments of rest. I've got some good writing music on - Chicago IX-Greatest Hits. Somehow the energy of that music is very conducive to good feelings while writing. I might not sit down to listen to that album at other times, but it's good for writing to. I feel great! That's not to say that the source of my feelings is in the music itself. The feelings come from me. The music simply resonates with them. This is true with whatever "causes" one to feel anything, good or bad. If someone says something and I feel bad afterwards, all that's happened is that something has triggered the feelings already existing within myself. I don't need to try to change the behavior of the person who triggered me. I have only to look within and heal the feelings I have. The person has actually given me a gift by showing me to myself and I can be grateful for the opportunity to heal myself. How? By bringing loving, curious awareness to the feeling and heeding the message in it. I have to do this before I try to love the person who triggered me or else the love will be false, as I haven't extended love to myself first, where the need for love is paramount and necessary to love another at all. You might ask why love someone who has brought myself to the awareness of certain feelings in myself, which feel unpleasant? Well, some people may have, for whatever reason, a propensity for being loving to everyone indiscriminately. I have been this way in the past. The thing to realize is that in the moments just described, one is not able to love another. One must love oneself first.

I have recently come to the realization that I do not have to be responsible for another's feelings in a deliberate way, I need only be responsible for my own. How freeing! What a release of a burden! This does not mean that I will run roughshod over another's feelings because I will naturally be in tune with myself and will have shed any destructive behaviors resulting from denying or avoiding how I feel. Feelings naturally seek release and flow through one, changing on their own. Self-awareness is sometimes all that is necessary.

Wishing you a free flowing, beautiful day...

Waking Up For One's Day as a Symbol

2006-03-24T06:57:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling good with my early rising today. Let's start.

It's said that the way you start the day is a symbol of the way you live. Before a few weeks ago, I was sleeping late, often hitting the snooze button for hours before getting up. I was letting myself lay in bed half asleep for that time before getting up. And I was unresponsive to the numerous cues (arranged by me) to get up from the alarm clock. Then it took me hours to get down to the work I had to do after sitting around, going out for breakfast, etc. Now I get up within forty-five minutes and am at work (on writing this blog or my private journal) within an hour, followed by other things that I want to do related to my current purposes in life. This new way is a way of someone who is more of a master of his life, responding with relative alacrity to his own created guidance. As a consequence, for the rest of the day, I feel alert and clean, as I've done the important work early on and I feel no discomfort with sitting and relaxing because there is no work to be done that I'm shirking off. The other way was the way of an indolent sluggard, constantly feeling as though I had something to do which I wasn't doing. Of course , the important work did end up getting done, but not without some guilt during the process. Now, I get up quickly and start working quickly. Before I got up slowly and got to work slowly.

It's peculiar that a more laissez-faire way of life didn't work for me. After all, I was tuning in to my inner guidance for many of the decisions of the day, trying to live moment to moment, which could be a good way to live. For some reason I felt that I had to be more productive than I was being. Hmm... What do I get from that? I feel good in the process of doing the things I have set for myself. I feel very clear in the act of doing. There's no resistance. I guess I wanted to experience more of that on a regular basis. I seem to feel better having a self-chosen routine to follow. Well, I have done this (created a routine to live within) before in my life. It didn't last forever. Now it's back, in a different form. This seems to be me following the rhythms of my life which are always in flux. To be sensitive to one's rhythms appears to be a way to live effectively.

Enjoy your day (or night)...

A Fulfilled Desire

2006-03-22T09:08:00.000-05:00

Well, it's a cloudy day here in Arlington, Massachusetts and I'm back at it, a little later than usual. Due to circumstances I had to go to bed later than I usually do, which meant that it wasn't as easy to pop out of bed at the break of dawn and start writing, which I have been doing of late, either in this blog or in my private journal. I find it helpful to write in both, as both have desirable elements. This is more public and I want to write at least something that could possibly be useful to another person in this world. I generally try to make things clear and don't use private associations that would leave a reader befuddled. In my private journal, I have total freedom to write anything about the personal details of my life which would not be meaningful to someone who doesn't know me intimately. However, it strikes me that these dividing lines between the two might become blurred with more blogging, as I become more comfortable with the process, and feel free to be anything here.

In my previous post, I wrote about a person who knew what he wanted, endured some temporary resistance to the fulfillment of that desire and then realized it, with some patience. What can be learned from this? Why didn't he get what he wanted right away? Or, why did he get what he wanted at all? What is it that enables one to realize one's desire? Well, one thing is that he knew clearly enough what it was he wanted and conveyed it too another. Perhaps this is what created the resistance to his instant fulfillment. Although he was clear to himself, he included another in the process, someone who had different desires for themselves. This created some conflict as the two desires met. Or, perhaps, the hopeful singer, within himself, had inner resistance to his own desire, which was mirrored by the other, but not enough to sabotage his intent totally. It's hard to know what his soul's intentions are for being on this planet, what he's here to learn. That could be a factor in how the whole thing was orchestrated. He could be here to learn patience (among other things). Ultimately, everything worked out, for all concerned. In my experience, I've found that virtually everything ultimately works out well. There's no need to worry about things. One can relax and trust that the universe is working for one, rather than against one. All one has to so is to be in harmony with universal principles and the flow of one's being.

I'm glad to be writing this. I feel shivers up my back as I sit here contemplating this. What else is there to say? Do what you love to do and be who your really are. That's why we are all here.

Namaste!

Here I Am!

2006-03-21T07:42:00.000-05:00

Here I am! I had a gig yesterday, performing music for a locked psychiatric ward of a hospital. People were pretty sedate but appreciative. Very quiet and attentive. As is the course of things at gigs for people like this, there is one who immediately comes over to us and starts talking to us non-stop. Full of life. Too much for the comfort of the staff there. This one wanted to sing. We assured him he could sing after we played. He wanted to sit next to us but the staff egged him over to sit with them instead. During the concert he occasionally applauded at times other than when the others did, which the staff strongly worked against. So, we played and afterwards he got up and after a bit of hesitation, sang a song, a cappela, that he said he wrote. He knew what he wanted and got it, even in an environment that was at odds with him. He said, "Here I am!" and got heard after enduring some temporary odds. That's the way it goes with some people. They have a strong inner drive to do something that comes from themselves, the environment resists for a time and then they prevail, on the strength of their inner call. A lesson in life.

Meditation - A Constant Process

2006-03-20T06:55:00.001-05:00

It's another crystal clear day here in Arlington and I'm eager to get going. I've got a gig to do today and I'm up bright and early, much earlier than is called for by the time of the gig. That's good because I don't like feeling the pressure of time the morning before a gig. This state of relaxation is due to my altering my schedule so as not to sleep late. What a pleasure! No hitting the snooze button for three hours and waking up without a productive drive. I get to experience the sunrise and the luxurious morning light. And I'm also caffeine free as I sit here with a mug of herbal tea beside me. Things seem clean and right, now.

So, what aspect of my internal process am I going to explore? Interestingly, with this new morning routine, I have not included meditation, which I have done regularly for years. Even though it's touted as a great element to include in one's day, I have, of late, not found it to be such a great part of my day. I generally don't feel lifted by it. It regularly feels like a mundane experience and I often feel worse after doing it than before. There were recurrent internal stimuli that seemed to wait until the moment I started the meditation session to assail me and then stop the moment I stopped. This was not new. It was like this for most of the eight years I've been doing the process. Besides, to me, setting aside a period of time to meditate, eyes closed, seems superfluous. Why separate this time away from the rest of the day, when meditation is still going on. All of life can be meditation. You don't meditate and then forget about it the rest of the day. So, to meditate in the morning was something recommended by some experts, but I am of the belief that meditation is a constant process that one lives. One doesn't do it for a limited amount of time. I feel more uplifted by this writing than by meditating. So, the point? One can use one's inner guidance to lead one's life, rather than rely on the external guidance of others who purportedly know what's best for one. I say this tentatively, as I'm in the process of fully internalizing this truth in my life. So, maybe I shouldn't say it. Do people really need to hear this from me? Does reading an idea like this have an impact on your life in any way. This is more likely something that you come to on your own. Perhaps, reading it here can be a reminder, nothing more. I would love to know if anyone finds this useful!

Wishing you a strong connection with your truth!

Today's Dream

2006-03-18T06:55:00.000-05:00

Woke up feeling good, with a dream in my mind, and got up to write it in my dream journal, which I have started as of 2/2/06. I've written down some dreams over the year but haven't had a formal journal devoted just to dreams. I keep it on my computer, which makes the ledgibility factor more agreeable, although that's less spontaneous than leaning over in your bed and writing in a notebook. I've found that it's not so hard to get up, walk over to my computer, wake it up open my journaling application and type away. It's said that moving can detract from one's memory of one's dream, but I 've found that simply lying in bed comtemplating one's dream brings the fading of one's memory. Just the important things stick in one's mind, hopefully. Moving to my computer doesn't negatively affect my recall for those few seconds.

Here is my dream:

I am preparing a plate of food. I see a small refridgerator, similar to the one at my old apartment, which fills my vision. It has only a few items in it. I look for some kind of food, which it turns out has gone bad or is not there. There is a small container of some type of cheesy spread, labeled “Tosefta.” Tosefta seems to be a woman’s name. I wonder if the food can still be considered hers, as she hasn’t been here for a while - is her claim on it still valid? Can I use it on my meal? I wake up feeling very peaceful, very good.

FYI, "Tosefta" is the term for a certain type of writings in Judaism, written in the first few centuries C.E.

Well this dream is a stumper for me. Something that I was looking to for some kind of nourishment has dropped away and this new food (type of emotional or spiritual nourishment) labeled "Tosefta" (Jewish teachings) is there but I'm not sure I can claim it as my own. This food is a "cheesy" food - could this be a sign that I feel it is not of high quality. And yet I wake feeling good. Hmm...

Well, I've made some headway on it. Maybe something will come to me later in the day. Still, it may ultimately be and unsolved mystery, as most dreams are, with me. But, I'm committed to becoming more versed in the dream life, as a way to explore the psyche and to reap the insights and wisdom that they contain and use them in my the living of my life.

Wishing you a rich and fertile inner life!

Pure Being or Expression?

2006-03-16T06:57:00.000-05:00

Well, quitting drinking coffee cold turkey has been easy in some respects. I have no overt craving for it, although I have been experiencing some headaches over the last two days. I feel fine now and will keep it up for a week and see how I feel without it in my life. To be honest, it feels good to be rid of something that I thought I had to have in my life. Life, now, without coffee and being on my new routine feels good and beautiful, just like the guitar music of Andres Segovia that I'm listening to as I write this.

I can see the sun rising out my window and I'm feeling at peace with it all. I got a nice comment to a previous post from another blogger with a blog written in French, which I am limited in somewhat, so I couldn't fully understand what he was writing, although his comment was in English, but what I could grasp of his blog revealed that he was asking some big questions. If you can read French, try Life Stories.

So, why am I recommending another blog to read? Today I feel so content, that I have little stirring in me to write about. Sure, the sun is rising higher in the sky, which is mostly clear, with a few wispy clouds near the horizon. I want to say that it's a mirror of my inner state. If I was a totally clear sky with a sun rising, would I want to write, or would I just exist in a pure state of being? Why clutter my state with writing? Does that detract from my state or add to it? Well, perhaps the writing is an expression of a state of being - there could be written expression of it or not. It comes down to what am I being - a writer or something else? In this blog, I am being a writer, so I write from my state of being.

There's definitely something to getting up early in the day and doing something I love, writing and being in the moment. I've just listened to Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition-The Old Castle, played by Segovia. That stimulated some memories of when I played classical saxophone. In the orchestral arrangement of that piece, a saxophone plays the main melody, quite beautiful and atmospheric.

May your day be beautiful and peaceful.

A New Plan

2006-03-14T06:56:00.000-05:00

I've made a change in my life. I've decided to start getting up at the break of dawn and follow a routine of self-selected activities that are important to me. I have set my alarm at 5:00 AM, gotten up, showered and started writing at 6:00 intending to write for an hour. I had fallen into the debilitating pattern of sleeping to the late hours of the morning, sometimes for a ridiculous amount of hours (twelve). This undermines my having a productive day, filled with energy, excitement and zest. The longer I sleep the longer it takes me to start with any tasks I have set for myself, often not even doing them. I miss out on the precious morning hours. I have even decided to refrain from drinking coffee as I've heard it is a low vibration food. Sure I've drunk coffee for years and for much of that time loved it to death, but lately it has become a chore to so rigidly keep preparing it every morning, just to avoid a caffeine headache or other uncomfortable physical/emotional sensations symptomatic of an addiction, even from two cups a day. So, I'm freeing myself from that. One idea I have come across is that if one thinks one has an addiction, they can try breaking the addiction. Either it will come back as something essential or it will be replaced with something better. The important thing is to create the space for that process to take place. So, no coffee. Flavored seltzer instead.

Other activities on my agenda, in addition to my writing are an hour and a half of music on guitar and voice, what I do part time for work and study for a class in Judaism that I'm taking, for the same amount of time. To devote daily time to these areas would seem to be vital to sustaining growth in them as well as provide a structure to my formerly lax days. Later in the day I can do other activities, like composing/songwriting, reading, and using my computer, but I haven't solidified a plan for those. I'm reluctant to have a rigid framework for my whole day, so I'm leaving the afternoon more open. At least, my morning will be structured and filled with desired things, so as to get the day started off right! I'll also feel like I've gotten things done early on, which shall energize the rest of my day. We shall see.

So the plan is:
5:00 AM - Awaken, shower
6:00 AM - Blog, journal (no coffee)
7:00 AM - Eat breakfast
8:00 AM - Guitar/voice
9:30 AM - Study for Judaism class
11:00 AM - Lunch
Afternoon - Compose/songwrite, read, computer

I've shared my burst of energy with you, hoping that anyone who has let their life become undisciplined can turn it around by applying some structure to it, using things that one wants to do, and not overdoing it by completely eliminating spontaneity from one's day. I shall see how my plan goes over the next few days and see whether I am filled with more zest for my life.

Wishing you joy in your days...

Inner Knowing

2006-03-02T19:57:00.000-05:00

I started writing down my dreams about a month ago. Interestingly, the process of writing them down increased my recall tremendously. For the last four days in a row I've had something in mind. I've also set out to determine what they can be symbolizing. Now, I know that the dream symbolism in one's dreams is personal to the dreamer and that all-purpose dream symbol dictionaries can't possibly take into account the personal element, but I've been dipping into a web site that has some possible interpretations when I get stumped - www.dreammoods.com - it's the first item that comes up when you google "dream symbols." To be honest, I've always found interpreting my dreams to be pretty much futile, so I'm glad to get the help. From reading some of the interpretations on that web site, I'm getting into the swing of a certain sensibility regarding dream symbols. Some of the www.dreammoods.com interpretations resonate with me, so I use them, but I always have the final word. If it doesn't align with my inner knowing, I don't use it. How's that for a bit of wisdom? Rely most on your inner knowing over anything in the outer world. Easier said than done. There's so much tempting bits of information out there put out by people who act like they really know what they're talking or writing about that sound pretty good. Isn't it easier to take things like that on faith, trusting that they really know what is right? Not if you (including I) want to be authentic people in touch with their own version of truth... about the important things: who you really are, what your purpose is, how you feel about things, what you really want.... Now here I am, acting like I know what I'm writing about. Only you know if it rings true for you. I suppose that is something that can be tagged onto anyone who purports to know the truth. "Does this resonate with my inner knowing?" If not, then you don't have to adopt it as your own.

Some people have a persona that seems to say, "What I say (or do) is what's right, correct," and they expect you to go along with them on that point and get very perturbed when that doesn't happen. Many people do play into their game. And this is how they know who they are - when unsure people go along with them. I hope I am not one of those sure people, who steer others away from their own knowing, in this blog. Would that I steer you towards what you know.

Introvert in the Outer World

2006-03-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

I'm back at it after a break. I deleted a post I made between this post and the last one. It was a poem I'd written about how I was feeling, but I wasn't comfortable with it being in the public domain. So, it's gone. Perhaps someone saw it while it was out there. Perhaps not. No one left a clue.

What is it that keeps us from revealing ourselves from others? Isn't showing the truth of ourselves and act of beauty and a way to connect ourselves with others? So, why did I pull it? So far, its seems like I'm writing into a void. I'm more likely to feel comfortable writing into a loving, compassionate space. This whole issue is to be explored in the process of this endeavor (the blog). Maybe the intended focus of this blog (my internal process) is too confining. I don't know about that - it's what I usually write about anyway. It's what I love. I'm not someone who will set about to detail the entire continuum of activities of my day. That's too outward focused. I'm more inner focused. I guess that makes me an introvert. I find peace and security on my inner world, unlike an extrovert, who finds the same in the external world. So, what am I doing writing a blog, an extrovert-like activity? Well, I'm tired of living only with myself as witness. I want to see what happens when I interact with the world from the space of my inner world. But, this takes some courage for me and some forging ahead in spite of some discomfort at the feeling of some unnaturalness in this. But, it's what I've decided to do and I'm going to do it.

I know that my inner world is not completely unique to me. I'm sure some others can resonate with some, if not all, of the issues I'm discussing. Of course, that is an assumption, not somethng I know from experience. It's a form of abstract wisdom, something I believe in. I'm waiting to learn whether others resonate with this.

Peace...

Abstraction vs Personal Experience

2006-02-25T23:04:00.000-05:00

For some reason I've been hesitating today before diving in and writing this post. I've been considering going back to writing a private journal to regain the utter freedom I used to feel doing that. But, during the day, I was listening to radio program that talked about the three stages of learning, which apply to any new endeavor. The first stage is "conscious incompetence." That is when you know that you don't know how to do something yet. The second stage is the stage of "conscious competence." That is when you know how to do something and you can do it, but you have to think about what you are doing - it's not automatic. The third stage is called, "unconscious competence." That is when you can do something easily because you know it so well, and it becomes automatic - you don't have to think about it - you can do it unconsciously. Any new skill or endeavor runs through those three stages. So, how does that apply to me? I'm slowly learning about the Blogger system, like how to put up links on my template and how to properly describe what I'm doing with this blog, like in the "about me" section and general description. I've put something in those places but I'm not sure if I will keep them. I'm also learning how I want to present myself to the world in the posts. Sure, I've written some things, but I'm still learning about what to say that can have an impact on others. Also, I'm figuring out how or if to publicize this blog. I've yet to take any action in that direction. So, it's "conscious incompetence." Who knows what will happen if I get a comment!

From reading other blogs at random, it's clear that there are a wide variety of approaches and consciousnesses at work in the world of blogging (and the world in general). At first, there is the temptation to try to emulate other people's abilities and strengths. That ultimately seems foolish, because it sidesteps my own unique abilities and strengths. Hmm... I'm wondering about that.... Is there a phase where one should emulate other successful people before one steps out into one's own unique terrain. Some motivational teachers suggest that approach. I have come upon other blogs with clearly defined agendas, that could tap into the mass consciousness more easily than something like this. But that is neither here nor there. I'm not doing this to win the "most popular blog" contest.

Today, it occurred to me that presenting ideas personally might not be as effective as presenting them impersonally. To always give my personal relationship with what I'm presenting might be unnecessary. Well, the personal way breaks me out of my habitual tendency towards abstraction and confirms for myself that I know what I know through experience, not just theoretically. That is important to me. Being around people who denied my abstractions in favor of my personal experience affected me in this direction. And, there was some truth to that. What passed for abstraction sometimes were ideas of others that I had read that hadn't been processed by me - I just thought I "knew" them and recognized their truth. But that isn't enough to convince some others of anything, it seems. And, ultimately, myself. Have I been positively or negatively affected by these people? Well, it's just some worldly experience that provokes me to more surety about what I really know. Still, isn't abstract thinking one of the highest forms of intelligence?

I'm really grateful to Blogger for giving me this opportunity to be able to present my thoughts to the world for free. It's a great service.

Divine Uniqueness and Integrity

2006-02-24T21:01:00.000-05:00

I just put my photo into my profile - moving further out into the world. Well, what shall I write about today? Today was another placid day. I had nothing to do for work, so I read a bit and also did some studying for a class I'm taking. The book, The Nature of Personal Reality by Jane Roberts, is one I have read before (and is listed in my profile). The part I read was very inspiring. Among other things, it spoke about embracing the integrity of one's being and loving oneself as the expression of an aspect of God's power in the world. Also, that each person has a unique kind of consciousness. That makes me feel free to be me, just as I am, that I can relax into my being, knowing there's no one I have to be except me. Like Mr. Rogers said, if my memory serves from over thirty years ago, "You're special, because there's no one in the world just like you." Of course, these ideas don't just apply to me, they apply to anyone. Everybody's special in their own way. It's a great message for children and great for adults to remember, but of course adults have presumably made lots of headway in embodying this realization but it can be a challenge to live as oneself in a world where some people try to suck that out of one, largely because they don't fully embrace their own and therefore don't embrace others' divine uniqueness and integrity.

As I write this I find that I'm writing at a much slower pace than my usual journaling pace that I have developed privately. I'm still getting a feel for how to write in this blog, especially when I haven't gotten any feedback. But why should that be important? It isn't, really, except that a friendly comment would be nice, just to know that there is someone out there reading this. It's funny how writing a private journal can be so freeing because no one is going to read it. Well, I've been there, done that. I don't need to write in isolation anymore.

Love and peace...

The World (and Mind) as Mirror

2006-02-23T19:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm still excited to have this blog. I can't wait to get back to it.

Life seems so placid nowadays for me. Everything works out, especially since I realized that others do not have to be like me. It could almost be said to be boring. My house is quiet. My room is empty, except for me. Where's the passion and excitement? Is the placidness a reflection of my inner state? That would make sense, because my emotions are like a still lake, not a ripple. And not a ripple coming from the world to this blog. Well, it's kind of nice to have everything so peaceful as I make this venture to put myself forth into the world. A solo voice in an infinite space. I'll be patient and let this build.

Awareness in the moment heightened, watching the inner world for a spark, an urge, and direction. Direction. Before I started writing this, I was on another blogger's site. She thoroughly understood the concept of mirrors - that the outer world reflects ourselves back to us, even if we think we are being being private with ourselves. She saw her children as perfectly mirroring her and her husbands hidden emotional states. I find this also to be true within my mind. My mind often throws up the image of other people representing some aspect that I firmly believe I am not. In the past I have tried to battle these faces to try to get them to go away. Now I have finally realized that they are showing me a part of myself that I need to acknowledge as part of me. It may take some searching to do it. It might not be obvious at the beginning but soon I can see how it is so and actually obviously so. My denial is shown to me. This, too, has been another important realization, that may be resulting in my extreme placidity. The old hoopla has gone away, leaving me with peace!

I don't write this only for myself, but for anyone who experiences similar challenges in their inner life. I realize that I'm pointing to particular elements of existence and that others may not be focused on the things I am, but I believe that they are experiences that are common to others, not just myself. And if these insights don't ring true to you, no problem. Forget them and go where your insight and self awareness bring you in your journey of awakening.

Allowing Others to be Different

2006-02-23T09:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back at it, this blogging foray. I have been motivated to get up at a reasonably early hour, so that I can enjoy the morning and blog. So, what do I have to say today? It's a cloudy day here, yet I can hear the birds steadily singing at 37 degrees Fahrenheit. I have to say, I'm a bit put off my stride because I made my first post to seeming anonymity. I made a description for this blog that could become restrictive if I followed it through scrupulously. I don't want to feel bound in this blog. But, of course, I will not be constrained by it if I don't feel like it, probably. On the other hand, I must have chose it for a reason - that it was in line with my preferences and premonitory for my future.

Hmm... I'm having difficulty here, perhaps because I read someone's post, which decried the mediocrity of so much of the blogging done and touted his own, which was actually pretty distinctive, but I can't let that interfere with my divine uniqueness as an aspect of God, expressing here on Earth. Everyone is, with varying degrees of conscious awareness of that. It's funny (or not) how some reach a certain degree of awakening, but then stop, feeling content to view with negativity others not as far along the road, rather than continuing to pursue one's own path of awakening, while encouraging others to do the same.

I have struggled in my life with the issue of allowing others the right to be who they are, without my interference. Others don't have to have the same views, attitudes and ways as me. I can allow people to be different. That has brought me to a more peaceful place in relation to others. When people sense that I'm not subtly putting pressure on them to be something they are not, relations become more relaxed and I find my self to be in less turmoil after our time together, whereas before I would find myself making speeches to them in my mind in the form of trying to get them to change their behavior. This has been a great breakthrough for me. Interestingly though, as I reread the previous paragraph about that other poster, I get the sense that in my mind I was not fully giving permission to that person to be who they are, that is, someone who has stopped their growth and views some others negatively. Now I see what I was doing. I believe that on a psychic level, the level on which we are all connected, that being knows that he is being accepted (and loved) rather then subtly disapproved of AND I feel at peace with him.

I realize that all this seems quite serious and there's no humor here. With all this inner probing, am I having fun??? Well, no, but I do feel very serene and calm, which is pretty much my baseline. I look forward to have more fun with these postings. But you know, I might be in good company here. If you look at representations of Jesus, he rarely looks like he's having fun. He looks dead serious, virtually all the time. Uh oh, why did I bring him up? Now I feel dead serious, whereas before I didn't. I was feeling pretty good, although not in the throes of hilarity or jubilation. Well, that's fine, I can be just as I am. There's no requirement that I have uproarious fun. I can be serene.

Wishing you well, with love and peace.

Well, here we go!

2006-02-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

I love to write. I love to let my thoughts run freely where they might go, for a long time, I like to ponder things that come up and process what I'm going through, particularly in my inner world. Describing what's going on in the outer world doesn't interest me as much, though I could do that, too. What's within seems to be an area that some people overlook in their outward directed, but I feel comfortable resting my awareness on my inner life. To me writing is a form of meditation - being totally poised and alert in the moment.

I have to admit that starting a blog, may be a change of pace for me, as there will be associations that I habitually make in my journaling that won't necessarily make sense to anyone else, really, like making reference to people that I know in my personal life. However, just the sense that I'm doing a blog will probably change the nature of my thoughts somewhat - making them more suited to the situation I'm putting myself in. Here, I'm not just writing for myself. I'm writing for the world. Hopefully, some of the processes and thought patterns I engage in on the page will be of interest or use to others who might read this. I could be fooling myself about this, however...

In my life, I sometimes find that when I express in speech, my deeper thoughts, the ones I'm most excited about, to others, I get blank looks or other signs of disconnection, like outright rejection of them. Writing feels more natural to me and I might go over better in writing than speaking, especially with all the irrelevant banter that goes on among people. In life, I have been subject to many a monologue, which I believed I had to listen to and learn from. Finally, I got the message. Not everybody is talking about things that are worth giving my precious undivided attention to. But that was the product of a decision made long ago, that everybody deserved honest attention (when they spoke). This decision put the focus on others so much, that I didn't give any consideration to what I had to contribute, other than attention (which is a highly valuable gift, it seems to me, but often is overlooked and unappreciated and may not be so important to people). Eventually, I got tired of the imbalance. Now, it seems, in this blog, I'm the one doing the monologue. Of course, no one HAS to give what I write complete honest attention. Probably others aren't as obsessive as I have been in the past. And, if someone doesn't want to read this they can quickly click somewhere else with their computer. Perhaps by saying that I sense some flagging interest in my imagined reader. I, too, can quickly close this out and click somewhere else on my computer and in my Life.

Greetings to all, with love and peace...